Amazon's WaPo to adopt News 'R Us approach

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

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Amazon warehouse workers are reported getting set for new delivery systems

Insider to Amazon's recent purchase of The Washington Post, Roger E. Quietus indicates a major task for the newspaper upcoming will be brokering and promoting political agreements favoring Amazon business.

Mr. Quietus (who prefers to remain quietus as to public exposure) adds that this kind of promoting will be featured in "tailored" editorial pages written by the previous newspaper's most celebrated journalists.

Additionally, the new WaPo will engineer ways of selling the "news" (now defined as "items of interest"--especially dollar-value items) as commercial product or "info-packaging."

As to the previous idea of a newspaper's being watchdog from the fourth estate in principled investigations, Mr. Quietus said only (and quietly), "We must move with the times."

Borrowing from today's tabloid cultures, the new WaPo will lead with specialized digital editions readily convertible to paper editions, with colored news sheets and imageries as suitable and delivered rapidly via Fed Ex and UPS.

The new look will feature various "editions" or types of newspaper as with for example, an entire edition available with categories such as:

*wardrobe malfunctions
*nip slips
*shortest short shorts (female)
*shortest short shorts (male)
*deepest back cracks (male and female)
*celebrity stupidities
*celebrities who no longer look like they used to look
*latest juvenilia of (as with) Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus
*Kate Middleton secret surveillance episodes (pre and post birth)

Advertising supplements will continue, but in shinier and more colorful illustrations, as well as coverage of sports and the latest Hollywood movies.

Special side-notes will develop to highlight "additional news you might enjoy reading" and "related stories to the ones you've been consuming," brought to you courtesy of Amazon's agreement with NSA panopticon services (consumer related).

"News" will include "all the information palatable to US interests and security and in line with government policies."

Some reporters at the WaPo under the previous ownership are reported uneasy at the coming changes. But others are more resigned and have made the following comment:

"Basically it's business as usual. If you don't like the idea of reporting for an establishment newspaper you might want to move on somewhere else, as with those online outfits requesting public funding every two months. Good luck."

A spokesperson for Bernstein and Woodward merely added, "We've always been good at recognizing the handwriting on the wall."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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