WASHINGTON, DC - In an off-the-record press conference, President Barak Obama, in the interest of "government transparency," made a startling announcement. "We're coming after you!" he warned the American media.
Although he wouldn't name the names of specific news agencies he has directed the National Insecurity Agency (NSA), the Federal Busybodies of Investigation (FBI), the Infernal Revenue Service (IRS), and other government agencies to target, he also did not deny reporters' suggestions that such targets include the Associated Press (AP), Fox News, and The Spoof.
"I have ordered a full-scale investigation of all my enemies, foreign and domestic, actual and perceived," the president declared. He added that he is "aghast" at the media's exposure of his administration's tracking of millions of citizens' private and personal telephone calls (thanks, Verizon!) and its hacking of millions of Internet users' Facebook, Twitter, Google, Yahoo!, The Spoof, and other accounts.
He said he was surprised to find how many men and women are visiting porn sites and has suggested that the embattled IRS look into taxing sites related to heterosexual pornography. Gay, lesbian, and transgender sites need not worry about higher taxes, though, White House officials assured reporters. "We don't discriminate against purveyors of pornography on the basis of race, color, creed, or sexual orientation. Only white, Christian, and straight pornographers would face stiffer taxes on their tawdry trash. Erotica produced by minorities, sexual and otherwise, will receive a tax rebate or credit for producing fine art."
The president made a point of emphasizing that "no one is paying any attention to whether American citizens are looking at boobs, buns, or whatever. We are not interested in citizens' prurient pursuits. We are seeking only to intimidate conservatives and strengthen out stranglehold on the Constitution."
Fox News is also considered a likely target of the investigation because its news stories "diverge from the politically correct talking points of the administration, supporting democracy over oligarchy and freedom over tyranny."
"I won't stand for that," the president said, "not on ''my'' watch!"