Swiss Bank Discovers Cause of Global Recession

Funny story written by Rory

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

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Tax payers are expected to reap none of the benefit of this find

Industry spectators are heralding the end of the current economic recession due to a startling discovery made in the vaults of the prestigious Union Bank in Switzerland; namely, bonds, stocks, gold bullion and cash currencies to the value of CHF 6 trillion, or €5 trillion. While all in the financial sector are excited at this startling announcement and the reintroduction of these funds into the economy, many are outraged that one of the largest banks in the world could have made such a gross oversight and plunged the world into the worst depression since the 1930's. Vault manager Martin Ebner would appear to be single handedly responsible;

"I haven't gone down that corridor in years; the lightbulb broke and I forgot to ask maintenance to replace it and it was so dark you couldn't see anything so I just kind of stopped going down there."

When asked why he ventured down the corridor after so many years he claimed: "I needed to go to the bathroom, I'd had a very fibrous breakfast, but the one I usually use was out of service and I saw that great big black corridor and thought to myself, "If there isn't a toilet down there, at least there'll be no one watching". But luckily there was a toilet, only when I turned on the light it turned out to be populated by quite a lot of financial concerns. For a moment I thought the janitor, Andris, must have been embezzling from the company and hiding his gains in this out of the way bathroom but then I realised that it was the Lindberg vault. The gargantuan steel door I had to open to get in there really should have alerted me to that."

Chairman Kaspar Villiger has yet to make a statement, although reportedly all employees are currently being subject to rigorous IQ tests.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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