Qatari Shaikh offers Roman Abramovich $3bn for Chelsea Football Club
Doha, Qatar - An oil-rich nabob from the gas state of Qatar has brought a three billion dollar smirk to the Russian mobster's face. Shaikh Mustapha Pee bin Dishdasha, son of the Emir, is even throwing in some spare gas wells, a 50ft ocean-going ya...
Read full storyScientists Discover That Potheads Cannot Recognize Connection Between Their Stash And Murderous Drug Cartels.
Scientists have finally proven that there is a big disconnect in the minds of those heavily into pot. It has been long suspected that marijuana use has negative effects upon the brains and bodies of partakers, a claim equally long denied by the users...
Read full storyMajority of Husbands Unable to Discern Difference Between "Downton Abbey" and "Downtown Abbey"
London - The majority of married women across the world who are strangely addicted to that show Downtown Abbey, about the old timey rich British people, continue to try to convince their husbands that the show is really called Downton Abbey. Fred...
Read full storyDonald Trump Announces Plans to Purchase The Alphabet
New York City, NY - Donald Trump has announced that he intends to buy the English alphabet and expects the deal to close before the end of September. The purchase could have severe consequences for the other candidates in Trump's current bid for the...
Read full storyCatholics put pot into their prayers, over Pope's objections
The Vatican - A secret enclave of Catholic bishops and cardinals has added marijuana smoking to the church's menu of Holy Sacraments. The unprecedented action is expected to boost the popularity of Catholicism while replenishing the church's coffers,...
Read full storyPsychological Sat Nav Now On Sale
A new Satellite Navigation system is now for sale on the high street that will get you from A to B in your mind. On sale now is The Psychological Sat Nav (PSN) that can take an individual from a state of racial ignorance to one of informed enligh...
Read full storyIn a Stunning Decision, the Supreme Court Declares Adult Swim Unconstitutional
WASHINGTON, D.C.--In a seven to two decision today, the Supreme Court declared the long-time tradition of adult swim, during which a swimming pool is emptied of anyone under the age of 18 so the adults can swim without interference for ten to fifteen...
Read full storyLuis Luis Why?
With all the fuss surrounding Luis Suarez and his biting of the one defender in the Italy team who looks like he could kill a bear with his bare hands, we decided to review the situation. We also decided that no matter how much we could beef up this...
Read full storyHeston Blumenthal Creates 20 Different Flavours Of Football Shirt For New F.A. Ruling
The FA has announced that football shirts can only be made from edible fabric and must be available in 20 standard flavours. The decision stems from a number of players suing the F.A after swallowing pieces of shirt while carrying out biting manoeuvr...
Read full storyPediatricians Urge Parents to Read Aloud to Kids, Starting at Birth
"Yippee!" said one bookseller when she heard the news. She continued,"This is our big chance to dump our inventory of kids' books." Giving a thumbs-up sign to an assistant, she said, "Get all the junk onto the selling floor and prepare to sell, sel...
Read full storyUS Evacuating Embassy in Iraq due to Global Warming
WASHINGTON DC - Secretary of State John Kerry began with great praise for President Obama's foreign policy, saying "the world has never known more peace and love than it has found with our glorious leader in the White House." As American diplomats an...
Read full storyFeds Open No-Kill Shelter for Immigrants on Texas/Mexico Border
Laredo, TX - The federal government has opened a new no-kill shelter in this border town to help find homes for thousands of new illegal immigrants who continue flooding into the country. In the past, if an illegal alien sneaked across our border...
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