New York City, NY - Donald Trump has announced that he intends to buy the English alphabet and expects the deal to close before the end of September. The purchase could have severe consequences for the other candidates in Trump's current bid for the Republican Presidential nominee.
Wall Street investors largely ignored the announcement, having become used to what are generally seen as outrageous claims and predictions by the 68 year old real estate magnate.
Trump said that when he owns the alphabet he's going to change the name of all the letters to "trump" except for A, D, L, M, N, O, P, R, T and U - the letters necessary to spell "Donald Trump." However, no one else would be able to use those letters without paying a usage fee.
Said Trump, "That song about the alphabet is going to become so beautiful. It will probably be voted the new United States' national anthem. All across the country kids will be singing 'A trump trump D, trump trump trump; trump trump trump trump L M N O P. Trump R trump; trump U trump, trump trump, trump, and trump. Now I know my A trump trumps, next time won't you trump with trump."
Trump added, "I'll let people sing the 'next time won't you trump with trump' without paying the fees because everyone should be able to sing their national anthem, especially when it's about me."
Trump said after he owns the alphabet he will next own all punctuation marks.