Last Progressive Republican Dies; to Be Stuffed and Exhibited at the Carnegie Museum of Natural History in Pittsburgh
William Warren Scranton, a former governor of Pennsylvania and a one-time presidential candidate who ran as a progressive Republican against paleo-GOP candidate Barry Goldwater, died Monday at the age of 96 of a cerebral hemorrhage. Scranton, wh...
Read full storyPope: Who am I to judge women priests?
Rome - The Pope has said women priests should not be marginalized but integrated into society and stuff. During a media address on the return flight from Rio Pope Frankie-the-Argie reaffirmed the Vatican position on women as one small crotch - er.
Read full storyLeah Remini won't shut the f**k up!
HOLLYWEIRD, CA, THE LAND OF NUTS AND FRUITS --- Wannabe actress Leah Remini refuses to go quietly back into the woodwork after severing ties with the merry band of L. Ron Hubbard's followers, who believe that earth is under the control of extraterres...
Read full storySomething Phony Happened on the Way to the Forum
Following Mr. Obama's declaration that all of the controversies abounding in his second term are clumsy, manufactured, "phony," scandals dreamed up by Republicans, Rush Limbaugh returned the favor and accused the President of being a phony president.
Read full storyNosy scientist causes cosmic stink
SOSO, Oklahoma-- Dr. Ima Voyeur, an astronomer peeping at the sun through a telescope, was blinded by the light, realizing that it's not polite to peer at heavenly bodies without their knowledge and consent. The sun was in the midst of undressing,...
Read full storyAnthony Weiner: "My only sin---I didn't Bogart my Joint."
At a joint press conference with his wife this morning, Anthony Weiner took the podium with a defiant and aggressive tone in his voice: "My only sin---I didn't Bogart my Joint!" As journalists looked at each other in amazement and a few guffawe...
Read full storyBlatter Boost for Women's Football
He was elected the president of the World Society of Friends of Suspenders in the 1970s. He incurred criticism from female footballers in 2004 when he suggested that women should "wear tighter shorts and low cut shirts to create a more female aesthe...
Read full storyPope Francis gives a reach-around to gays
In a queer move, Pope Francis appears to have gone soft on the Catholic Church's rigid stance behind homosexuals and gay priests. In the first press conference of his four month papacy, the 76-year-old Pope said it was not for him to judge if some...
Read full storyThe true story of Marvel Comics' Wolverine
Wolverine was born in Canada. He has no mother; his father, Marvel artist Len Wein, is thought to have created him through masturbation, much as the ancient Greeks created the gods who ruled them. In the comic books, however, Wolverine's origin is attributed to the Canadian government (as if the Canucks' scientists were capable of creating anything akin to sheer damn manliness). Soon after his...
Read full storyBotox Causes Premature Death of Poker-Faced Women
Botox has been used for decades to reduce the signs of aging but only recently have neurophysiologists discovered that the health risks include a 100% chance of dying prematurely with a "poker face." The botulinum toxin A is the most powerful neurot...
Read full storyMila Kunis is Fed Up With Demi Moore Dragging Her Feet In Giving Ashton Kutcher a Divorce
LOS ANGELES - Actress Mila Kunis, who is the girlfriend of actor Ashton Kutcher recently made some very harsh statements about Demi Moore. Kunis, 29, told Bedroom Pillow Talk that Demi needs to be a woman and stop acting like a spoiled brat and gi...
Read full storyNASCAR's Danica Patrick Wants To Be Admired For Her Racing Ability and Not For Her Body
TARZANA - Danica Patrick flew into Tarzana to do some on the track promotional commercials at the world famous Gary Busey International Speedway. While at the track she was interviewed by Buckaroo Kazoo with The Turnstile Review. He asked her how...
Read full storyKim Kardashian Depressed About The 'No Wedding' Plans
HOLLYWOOD - Kim Kardashian recently spoke with Glamboyant Magazine's Savannah Kettle about her new baby (North) and her old baby (Kanye). Kim, who will turn 33, in October, explained that now that she has a baby, things feel so much different.
Read full storyThe Boston Celtics Are Contemplating A Move To Cincinnati
BOSTON - Word out of Beantown is that now that the coach and most of the star players have been traded or have left for greener pastures, the Celtics ownership is thinking about leaving the city of Boston. According to Woody Velcro with The Sports...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Receives A Message About His Spitting From Mafia Boss Salvatore Goombalini
BROOKLYN - Salvatore Goombalini, head of one of New York's biggest crime family's, has heard about Justin Bieber's penchant for going around spitting on people. In the latest of half a dozen saliva incidents, Bieber stood on a hotel balcony and sp...
Read full storyLeBron James Has Been Asked To Appear On Dancing With The Stars
MIAMI - LeBron James already has the trophy for being the NFL's Most Valuable Player, plus the NFL Championship trophy, plus the NFL trophy for being the MVP of the NFL Championship games. So what else could the Miami Heat star hope to attain? Wel...
Read full storyKathy Griffin Dispels The Stacy Keibler Lesbian Rumors
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Kathy Griffin performed before a full house at West Holly's Laughing Beaver Comedy Club. After her final set of the night she spoke backstage with Vokda Vermicelli of iRumors. She was asked if she had mended her feud with talk...
Read full storyThe High-Flying St. Louis Cardinals Are Thinking About Changing Their Name
ST. LOUIS - The St. Louis Cardinals presently possess the best record in the entire Major Leagues with a record of 62-40. Outfielder Matt Holliday, who is the highest paid player on the team at $16 million per year, says that he is as happy as a k...
Read full storyBotox Causes Premature Death of Poker-Faced Women
Botox has been used for decades to reduce the signs of aging but only recently have neurophysiologists discovered that the health risks include a 100% chance of dying prematurely with a "poker face." The botulinum toxin A is the most powerful neurot...
Read full story