Minnesota Misguidedly Manufactures Misleading Mexican Meals Making Millions Mad
I recently bought a burrito and was astounded to see that it was made in the fair city of Minneapolis, a surprise since I had always thought of Minneapolis as being a place so white that it's nickname is 'The Wonder Bread Capital of America'. Burritos are about as native to Minnesota as fish are to the moon. What comes next? Does my chop suey start getting shipped in from Tel Aviv? How is it th...
Read full storyPancake Day is crêpe for Palace tossers
London - Chefs at HM's royal kitchens have been left with egg on their faces following complaints they'd fed horseflesh to State Banquet dignitaries. Rollo Foie-Gras and Guido Mascarpone are in for a roasting at a Shrove Tuesday disciplinary heari...
Read full storyThe Definitive Ten Point Guide To Stumbling Through Life Without Major Distress
1)Stop exercising it's making you ill. It gets in the way of drinking time, trash T.V. and arguing with your family. The lycra makes you look ridiculous. Elasticated waistbands aren't that bad. 2) Ditch the diet. For good. Your adult weight has gone from 120 to 160 pounds over the course of a year. Up and down like an out-of-control elevator. Accept that you're a fat bastard and get on with it.
Read full storyTraces of Cameron found in Brooks
Hot on the heels of the news of horse in beef burgers, horse in crab sticks, horse in sore throat lozenges and horse in lasagne, it now turns out that there are traces of David Cameron in Rebekah Brooks. "We were as shocked as anybody," said lead...
Read full storyHeaven in Administration as Pope Resigns
It has been announced that the Pope is to resign, as the Afterlife proves it is not exempt from the global recession. God has called in the administrators and cutbacks are seen as inevitable. It is understood Pope Benedict offered his resignation...
Read full storyDark Horse for the Vatican?
Our Vatican insider has spoken of his shock and distress at Pope Benedict's resignation from the Papacy. Rumours are everywhere about why the Pope opted out. Was it his age or the threat of a new version of Revelations mixed with Sodom and Gomorra...
Read full storyMarco Rubio Advises Speaker of the House to "Stop Wearing Sombrero"
Florida senator Marco Rubio today told House Speaker John Boehner that wearing a sombrero was not a good way to attract Latino voters to the Republican party. "Frankly, I was a bit surprised when he showed up wearing it shortly after the electio...
Read full storyPope Benedict Hands in his Papers After Stranger 'Kisses His Ring' Shocker
The Vatican was shaken to its very foundations yesterday as Pope Benedict handed in his notice as Gods personal Rottweiler. 'Pope Daddy' as the top clergy all over the world call him, completely lost the plot as he finally broke under the strain of s...
Read full storyVolvo Wins "Best Key to Use to Pick Your Ear" Award
For the third year in a row, a Volvo ignition key has won top honors in the "Best Key" category at the National Ear Pickers convention. Judges at this year's gathering in Nashville presented elated Volvo representatives with the coveted Golden E...
Read full storyNew Jersey Man Applies For Vacant Pope Position
A New Jersey man could become the first ever American Pope after he completed an online application form for the vacant position which he saw advertised on monsterjobs.com. Eric Tisdale, 44, unemployed but a former butcher feels he is "in with a c...
Read full storyPope Palpatine Benedict Resigns
Catholics everywhere have been shocked by the resignation of Pope Benedict. The Catholic Church are saddened that Pope Benedict is resigning and are hurt by his lack of commitment. One lady was heard whining, "I've been a good Catholic and have been to Mass every week, regularly attended confession, and have cooked fish every Friday as well as popping out a baby every year for the last twenty...
Read full storyCongress To Choose An American For Pope
Washington, DC - Calling the health-related retirement of Pope Benedict XVI "a tragic opportunity," congressional leaders have declared that America will field a candidate in the upcoming election for the next pontiff. "It's a free world, isn't it...
Read full storyAdele Wears A Curtain To The Grammys
Adele was panned by the fashion police for wearing what appeared to be a red, patterned curtain to the Grammy Award Ceremony. Poor Adele looked like a refugee from the Van Trapp family from the set of The Sound of Music. "It looked as if Julie Andrews had whipped up a dress from an old pair of curtains like she did for those Austrian kids when she was working as a nanny". One bitchy gay desig...
Read full storyPope Benedict XVI: I'm Resigning, and No, I Will Not Be Appearing On Dancing With The Stars
VATICAN - The Catholic world is shocked as word has just filtered out of the Vatican that Pope Benedict XVI is quitting. The pontiff is the first to step down since the middle ages, or as stand up comedian Zydeco Dupree said, back when Betty White...
Read full storyBono announces intention to be the next Pope
Following the announcement that Pope Benedict the XVI will step down on the 28th of February Bono the lead singer of the band U2 has said that he would like to be the next Bishop of Rome. Popes are elected by a conclave of cardinals under the age...
Read full storyThe Queen is next say Vatican psychics
Rome - The Pope's shock resignation 'is just a warm-up act' according to Vatican seers who predict Joseph Ratzinger's lawfully wedded spouse Queen Elizabeth is next. "It could happen any time this week," an Opus Dei tarot reader commented, "maybe...
Read full storyPrince Charles leaves newspaper stories about Benedict XVI's resignation outside Queen Elizabeth's room
LONDON, U.K.--Charles, Prince of Wales and heir to the British throne, left a number of newspaper articles about the sudden resignation of Pope Benedict XVI outside the bedchamber of his mother Queen Elizabeth II, sources inside Buckingham Palace rep...
Read full storyMuch Younger Man Expected To Be Chosen To Become Next Pope!
This morning's announcement from the Vatican that 85 year old Pope Benedict XV1 is to stand down as leader of the Catholic church due to advancing years seems almost certain to mean the choice of a much younger replacement. Pope Benedict XV1's dec...
Read full storyMuslim Imam posing as Catholic Cardinal to become new Pope
The press is telling us that Pope Benedict XVI is resigning and an election will be held for a new Pope. However a spy who has infiltrated the Vatican had revealed that 120 Cardinals already elected a new Pope. His name is Cardinal Mohammed Hus...
Read full storyMatt Damon to Play Pope In New Hollywood Blockbuster
Its official! Matt Damon is to play the outgoing Pope Benedict in a new Hollywood blockbuster being penned for release in 2014. Matt Damon a well known Bostonian Catholic from Boston, today spoke about his new role in press release which has got C...
Read full storyAstrologers blame the Pope's Cancer
Rome - Stargazers reviewing the Pope's birth chart said today a massive build up of freaky asteroids in his natal Cancer is probably behind this morning's resignation. Decades of space junk clashes in the crabby constellation had clearly worn down...
Read full storyRed Sox Luck Bound to Change or Your Money Back
Red Sox so far this season have been struck by lightning. As Jacoby Ellsbury and Dustin Pedroia flew into Fort Myers for their training time, the plane carrying them was struck by lightning. No one was hurt, but a good scare was had by all. Wha...
Read full storyNew Pope will be from Africa
It was only a matter of time before it happened, but it appears that the next Pope will be Cardinal Peter Kodwo Appiah Turkson. Turkson, a high ranking member of the Ghanaian Catholic Church, will be the first black pope for fifteen hundred years, an...
Read full storyBoy Time Travelled To Gettysburg Address
A college professor from San Francisco has claimed that when he was an eleven year old boy he time travelled as part of Project Pegasus. The respectable forty nine year old man claimed that when he as a boy of eleven in 1974 he was involved in a top...
Read full storyThe Grammy Awards Show - Kelly Clarkson Says Her Weight Gain Is Due To Happiness
LOS ANGELES - LL Cool J hosted The 55th Annual Grammy Awards Show from The Staples Center in Los Angeles. At the start of the show he reminded everyone that CBS executives had issued a memorandum stating that they did not want any of the women pre...
Read full story'Danger Close' asteroid may miss London
Astrologists have dismissed fears an asteroid due to strike into the Earth on Friday will 'destroy London' - but the Earth is going to have to roll with its punch. Astrologists say they are sure there is no chance of the 150ft (45.7m) wide space rock...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and Zac Efron To Star In Nemo The Blizzard
HOLLYWOOD - Executives for Lions Face Films have just informed the entertainment media that production will soon begin on the movie Nemo The Blizzard. The motion picture will be shot on location in Boston as soon as production crews can get to the...
Read full storyCanada Complains US Wind Farms Are Blowing Birds Over the Border
Canadian officials today lodged a formal complaint with the US that wind turbines near the border are blowing too many birds across the border into Canada. Mervin Thackenschwartz, a Canadian government spokesman, complained that while most Canadians...
Read full storyState of emergency declared after hell freezes over...
Hell was struggling to return to normal just days after a massive storm dumped more than 3 feet of snow in much of the area. By early Sunday evening, reported power outages numbered fewer than 2,800, down from as many as 2,801 a day earlier. Most...
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