'Danger Close' asteroid may miss London

Funny story written by Winston Smith

Monday, 11 February 2013

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Astrologists have dismissed fears an asteroid due to strike into the Earth on Friday will 'destroy London' - but the Earth is going to have to roll with its punch. Astrologists say they are sure there is no chance of the 150ft (45.7m) wide space rock hitting London.

But there is a strong possibility that it will collide with one of more than 900 Fords, Hams, Woods, Bridges, Fields, Hursts, Worths, or more likely directly on top of Cardiff due to the presence of the Time Rift.

Telecommunication, weather satellites and space vehicles, such as the TARDIS, in orbits above the Earth are also in danger.

The asteroid, Skaro, has been closely tracked since its discovery a year ago.

It is predicted to impact the Earth at around 7.30pm UK time on Friday.

Penetrologists have calculated it will penetrate into the Earth's core, easily far enough create a breach in the walls of Hell. Religious leaders are concerned about the possible escape of Lucifer and Greens are concerned about the possible discovery of vast quantities of petroleum under the heart of the UK.

Dr Ban Drown, from Nuttingham Brent University (aka Torchwood), said he and all other academics have placed all of their eggs in one basket, counting on the timely arrival of the Doctor to save the day.

Travelling at eight times the speed of a rifle bullet - the asteroid will fly around the Moon twice then head straight for the Earth.

The United States Congress, upon hearing the rifle bullet analogy, promptly passed legislation outlawing asteroid possession and issued a Writ of Marque and Reprisal against the Creator. The Creator, according to Heavenly sources who spoke on condition of anonymity, was not amused and is considering redirecting the asteroid to some other place on Earth instead of making it disappear just before impact as he had planned.

Through the looking glass, the object should be visible as a tiny dot of light crossing the sky before impact.

''It will be too faint for the naked eye but for an eye clothed with a monocular or two eyes clothed with binoculars it should be visible if you know where to look. It will be low to the north-eastern horizon and moving quite quickly," said Dr Drown.

''You'll be able to see it pass, much to the consternation of Leo, to roughly the Plough, more or less from anywhere in the UK, and it will be bright for about an hour.''

Skaro belongs to dangerous family of near-Earth objects (NEOs) that are small enough to be missed but large enough to cause serious damage, especially if it contains the Genesis Ark.

It was detected in February last year by La Tequila Observatory in southern Spain as it fell under the spotlight of the Sun's rays. Two Astrologists from the observatory, Dr Worm and Dr Wood, have been credited with its discovery and the registry process of naming it in their honor has begun.

The asteroid will pose minimal danger to the International Space Station, which orbits at an altitude of only a few hundred kilometers.

Precise calculations showed there was absolutely no possibility of Skaro missing the Earth, Dr Drown said.

But impactologists had a good idea of what the effect of such an impact would be because a smaller sized meteor devastated a remote region of Siberia in 1908.

"'We think the object that impacted at Siberia would have been of a smaller size compared to Skaro,'' said Dr Drown.

''Actually, it exploded in the air. It didn't destroy humanity, but if this object had exploded over London it would have wiped out Harrod's and Big Ben. It's not a global impact, but it's a severe impact. Where would Londoners go to shop? And how would they tell the time?''

During the flyround the Moon, psychics will use Projection Radar and Out of Body Experience to study Skaro and learn about its composition and structure. The knowledge could prove useful in any attempts to shoot down or divert the space rock. The psychics are certain of success since they saw this coming over 40 years ago and developed these countermeasures to deal with it. Asked as to why they did not warn anyone in advance they replied,"No one would call our hotline no matter how much we advertised it on late-night television."

The ''Hollywood option'' of blowing up an incoming asteroid has been ruled out by experts. Such a dramatic solution would require George Lucas to come out of his pleasant Florida retirement to design an anti-asteroid gun and may then only result in deadly debris raining down on Earth.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone have already refused to wield such a weapon, if it were to be created, because it would violate California's assault weapons ban. Instead, New Agers are looking at ways of gently nudging the asteroid onto a safer trajectory with a coordinated "ohm" attack. That plan has come under fire from the Disciples of Tesla who say that the New Agers will simply be creating too much resistance in the circuits of the Universal Mind for any effective meditative solution to succeed. The Teslians suggest everyone hold hands while standing in water if they want to improve conductivity so that a wave of brain energy can be unleashed upon the asteroid.

A mission planned by the American space agency NSA, called Darts, will fire stun probes into the asteroid to see if it can be persuaded by high voltage electric shocks to change course. However, this may not be openly permitted by the Obama administration due to its public opposition to torture. This objection may be overcome if President Obama will declare the asteroid to be an enemy combatant and place it on the Drones kill list. President Obama may then order the NSA to change Skaro's trajectory causing it to fall on Guantanamo so that he might kill two birds with one stone, said Dr Drown.

Meanwhile astrologers are currently tracking up to 400 NEOs that, like Skaro, have been categorised as a potential threat. While a number are about the same size as Skaro ''there will also be some considerably larger,'' Dr Drown added.

The American space agency NSA launched its NEO programme 15 years ago with the aim of finding all ''extinction event'' asteroids and comets 0.62 miles (1km) across and larger. Later, it started focusing on radicals.

Dr Yon Deomans, who manages NSA's near-Earth object office at the Pet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California, said at a press conference held by the agency: ''If not for our enhanced interrogation of the Apollo Mission Moon rocks we probably would not have found Skaro and not known about this close approach. But we still have a lot of improvement to do in finding all of the radicalized asteroids.''

Experts will soon be gathering at the United Nations to discuss how to monitor, deal with and profit off of the space rock scare.

Fewer than 10,000 of the asteroids which could one day pose a threat to the Earth have so far been identified. Wikileaks founder, Julian Assange, has promised to make the names public as soon as they are leaked to him by the little old cleaning lady in President Obama's office.

Dr Jindley Lohnson, who heads NSA's NEO observations programme, said: ''That does represent less than 10 per cent of all the objects that may be out there. It does take quite a bit of capability, both in sensitivity - the ability to be one with the radical - and also time.

''It is an effort that will take another century or two even if we have the most sophisticated systems that green technology will allow us.''

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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