Arundel Castle head gardener in gong advice to Prince William
Sussex - An ancient Scottish chivalric order's initiation ceremony got a spooky nudge today from Arundel's head gardener Professor Sir Pomfret Parsnip MBE. The Castle's chief groundsman is a fabled soothsayers whose knowledge of plant lore is u...
Read full storyDrugs 1 Government 0
Britain's justice system is loosening the war on drugs according to Back and to the Left's sources in Westminster. "It's pointless," our source moaned, "people just aren't interested in shopping their nearest and dearest to the police for minor d...
Read full storyMetropolitan Police claim "We will not take any Prisoners" comment was not meant to have been taken literally
Metropolitan Police Commissioner Bernard Hogan-Howe says he will choose his words more carefully when commenting on his police forces vigilance during the upcoming Olympic Games, especially during discussions with Mayor Boris Johnson. Confusion ar...
Read full storySex, Lies and Inquiries...and Inquiries
An inquiry will be held into the banking scandal after an inquiry into whether or not an inquiry would be necessary found that an inquiry is necessary. The prime minister and Conservative party want a Parliament-led inquiry while Labour have enquired...
Read full storyWimbledon - Agnieszka Radwanska Flies The Flag For Britain In Ladies Singles
In an aggressive and athletic display of the finest that ladies tennis has to offer, Poland born Brit girl, Agnieszka Radwanska cruised through to the Wimbledon Ladies Singles final, after beating Angelique Kerber, of Germany in straight sets here to...
Read full storyDavid Beckham amputates finger in an attempt to be selected for Paralympics football team
David Beckham has angrily denied that he deliberately severed part of one of his little fingers in an attempt to become eligible to play in the British Paralympian football team. Medical teams were called to Beckham's home late last night after re...
Read full storySteve Nash Signs With The L.A. Lakers - Kobe Bryant Promises To Share The Ball
LOS ANGELES - There is lots and lots of joy in Laker Land today as the former Phoenix Suns super star, Steve Nash will now be wearing the blue and gold colors of the Los Angeles Lakers. The Lakers knew that they had to try and lose their "Bad Boy"...
Read full storyKop Horror As Liverpool Show Off Pink, Lemon And Magnolia 4th Strip
Fury from the Anfield faithful in the Red half of Merseyside, as Liverpool FC players paraded the club's new 4th kit at a photo shoot at the Adelphi Hotel in the city this lunchtime. What the club described as 'a tasteful ensemble, with a pink shi...
Read full storyWikiLeaks to release 2.5 million 'embarrassing' Syrian emails, 2.4 million of which contain porn
STOCKHOLM - WikiLeaks has begun releasing what it claims are 2.5 million embarrassing emails to and from the Syrian government. It is believed that at least 2.4 million of these emails contain hardcore pornography. A spokesperson realeased a state...
Read full storyForget a Bank Inquiry
Moves to have an inquiry into the running of Banks have come up against a brick wall. When faced by an inquiry no one can remember and no one is to blame. Amnesia in the higher echlons of society is rampant and some believe it is a virus that can...
Read full storyQuestion Time Braced For Anarchy
Never mind the bollocks - it's Question Time! BBC chiefs are bracing themselves for they don't quite know what tonight as political debate show Question Time features former Sex Pistol John Lydon as a panellist. Lydon - or Johnny Rotten, as he...
Read full storyOlympics: Nepal registers Yeti for 100 metres
The Nepalese Olympic Committee was ridiculed last night after announcing its intention to field The Yeti in the 100 metres sprint at London 2012. During a press conference in Kathmandu, Committee Chairman Prem Hayu insisted that the time was righ...
Read full story'Pot-noodle bomb threat' spoofs M6 toll road cops
Lichfield, Staffs - Armed anti-terror cops swooped on a motorway coach this morning following reports of noxious fumes wafting from a passenger's luggage. An emergency 999 call from a London-bound Megabus claimed someone had 'poured hot water into...
Read full storyDementia-addled Queen 'gongs up the wrong William' in Thistle cock-up
Edinburgh - "It should be famous four-times Derby-winning jockey Willie Carson, not some jumped-up nonentity masquerading as a prince!" The damning put down by a Scottish Collage [sic] of Heralds spokesman is the first to rubbish today's Order of...
Read full storyFashion Store Plans Nazi Europe T-Shirt After Success Of Slave Trade Version
A nationwide fashion chain is planning to market a T-shirt bearing a print of a Nazi map of Europe in 1943. TossPot came up with the idea following the success of a shirt whose design is a reproduction of an antique map depicting the transatlantic...
Read full storyOvary Transplants to end the Menopause
Celebrations were in full flow at the Grey Locks nursing home in Krupton today as four residents all gave birth to bouncing babies on the same day. Agnes Smith, aged ninety six, who underwent her first ever Caesarian to give birth to baby Karen s...
Read full storyThe 10 Worst Hip Hop Band Names
Bling Bling Magazine ran a survey and asked its readers to name the hip hop band or bands with the worst names. Quandell "Yo-Yo" Lemonmuckle, editor of Bling Bling Magazine stated that his publication had a total of 49,701 surveys returned. Entry forms were received from every state in the union except for Arizona. Lemonmuckle stated that he also received surveys from Zimbabwe, Kenya, Du...
Read full storyRoman Abramovitch to quit Chelsea after eight years
After last months nail-biting European Champions League Final where his Chelsea side beat Bayern Munich on penalties, Chelsea star owner Roman Abramovitch has confirmed he is leaving the club. After pumping around £500m into the club since the sum...
Read full storyUniversity Grant Proves Politicians Can't Lie Straight in Bed
WASHINGTON - A Federal grant of $155,000 was provided to the Ferris Bueller University over a five year period and has proven the fact that politicians can't lie straight in bed, a test group of politicians were asked to sleep on specially constructe...
Read full storyThe Sad Reason Vanna White May Quit "The Wheel of Fortune"
HOLLYWOOD - Vanna White has been turning the letters on the television game show Wheel of Fortune for 29 years. But an inside, unnamed source has just revealed that the 55-year-old may have to quit, what many say is the best darn job in the entire...
Read full storyChannel 4 launch new Channel called 4Seven
Last night saw the launch of 4Seven, a new offering from Channel 4. The idea is rather than a set schedule of programmes, 4Seven will show Channel 4's most popular and talked about shows of the last seven days. Discussion about shows on facebook,...
Read full storyWhite Americans celebrate their freedom from the British, while blacks are left wondering what all the nonsense is about
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Americans celebrated their country's 236th birthday today with fireworks displays, parades, family cookouts, and really shitty American beer. Nevermind that one in four Americans is not able to explain from whom the United State...
Read full storyAnn Curry is asked to leave 'Today Show'
Ann Curry lost her job as Matt Lauer's co-host on NBC's Today show after a whole year of working on the show. The program struggled when it lost its spot as the top-rated morning show to ABC's Good Morning America. Reporters quickly hit the str...
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