Market Shut Down For Selling Human Meat
A market in the town of Weirdville was shut down today as it was found to be selling meat from humans. The meat was obtained by the store after the city board passed a law banning homeless people. The city police chief was also involved says a dep...
Read full storyBody of WW1 Veteran Found in Dorking
Police have revealed that the body of a first World-War soldier was discovered in a Dorking flat last Tuesday. It appears that the corpse had remained un-noticed underneath a bed within the flat for up to two years before being discovered. Dork...
Read full storyCERN Press Office Confirm Large Haldron Collider Will Shut Down 21 December 2012 For Maintenance
CERN today announced that the LHC will run through to 21 December 2012 after a short technical stop at the end of 2011. The beam energy for 2012 will be 8.5 TeV, the maximum possible and this maximum output will be reached on the 21 December 2012, be...
Read full storyJob Centre Conundrum
The Government announced that strange new powers were to be granted to Job Centre staff. As well as teaching them advanced telepathy, speed wanking to Facebook profiles they will be given the ability to order people to work for free before they are a...
Read full storyLetter From America Just The Tonic For Ailing Manchester United
Manchester United officials today revealed that the entire squad felt rejuvenated and raring to go, after a letter from America was read aloud to the first team squad at United's Carrington training ground. Following a roller coaster ride this sea...
Read full storyDoctors Should Be Allowed To Assist The Terminally Deluded To Die, Says Think Tank
A government think tank has finally published the results of an investigation, conducted in order to determine whether doctors have a moral responsibility to assist in the demise of the terminally deluded. One instance cited in the report concerne...
Read full storyDonald Trump Purchases New Hampshire: Calls Off Debate And Election Primary
NEW YORK - Eccentric billionaire Don Trump, disgusted with the outcome of the Iowa caucus and the quality of the GOP candidates currently contesting for the opportunity to run against President Barack Obama, announced today that he had closed escrow...
Read full storyHugo Chavez Claims CIA gave Him Hemorrhoids
The US has rejected comments by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, in which he questioned whether the US might be responsible for widespread hemorrhoids affecting Latin American leaders. State Department spokeswoman Percy Hardwick called the hemor...
Read full storyMichelle Bachmann: Wicked Witch of the Midwest
Following her defeat in the Iowa caucus, Michelle Bachmann has vowed to return to her previous occupation as a witch. 'I'll not be wearing a pointy hat and riding a broomstick', she cackled, 'that would be silly. Besides, I've accrued lots of air...
Read full storyPeaches Geldof to name new baby daughter Nectarine
London - A daft trend started by Gwynnie Paltrow naming her daughter Apple now sees newly pregnant Peaches Geldof pick a fruity name for her firstborn, due this August. Publicists for the be-tattooed peroxide vamp said today she and her fiance, S.
Read full storyCelebrity Wife Swap Producers Promise to Deliver Edgy TV
As if the title or the format of the new reality show weren't edgy enough, the first few episodes of the new reality series will carry enough outrageous sensationalism to cast all viewers down into the depths of Hades. Producers hope at least, that...
Read full storyMany Youngsters Still Refusing To Work For Nothing!
The government is to finally clamp down hard on unemployed work-shy youths who refuse to work for nothing. The promise to deal with the problem of 'youths with principles' who continue to expect to be paid for their labour was made by the Prime M...
Read full storyIncorrect Football Refereeing Decisions to be made Mandatory
In what appears to be a follow up of UEFA President Michel Platini's comments about video technology, a spokesperson for the governing body in European Football made the announcement in a press conference yesterday. "UEFA has decided to make incor...
Read full storyNumber of jackasses drops by 100% after caucuses
Iowa--The number of jackasses in Iowa dropped 100% after the caucuses were held on Tuesday. Leaving the state pretty jackass free. "I was really getting sick of see Newt Gingrich in my favorite dinner. That lard ass was always eating the last pie...
Read full storyHistorical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham - Home to the Public Baths
Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham Home to the Public Baths A guided tour of the route taken in 1963 - comparing it with today. 1963: I'd leave Brookfield Place in the Meadows, with the soot coming down from the railway viaduct, along the cobbled horse manure decorated road, and pass the policeman's bike leant up at Maureen Chapmans house door. Today: Today, we start at the bookmaker...
Read full storyMagpies steal United's jewels!
A swarm of Magpies flew over Newcastle last night and stole all of United's jewels, and the show! In fact United's jewels didn't shine at all, they were too busy being "rubbed up" and pecked at by the Black and White flock of Magpies. United's bri...
Read full story"Strong case" for assisted dying
There is a "strong case" for allowing assisted suicide for people who are terminally ill in England and Wales, a group of experts says. With the economy looking fragile, it can be expensive to keep an elderly loved one alive, particularly if they...
Read full storyRussell Brand Blames 2012 Mayan Apocalypse for Katy Perry Divorce
A horse is a horse of course of course and nobody can talk to a horse of course, go right to the source and ask the horse, He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse, He's always on a steady course, Talk to Mr. Ed! According to Judd Apatow prod...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie is a fighter
Angelina Jolie, a French woman, directed the movie "In the Land of Blood and Honey", a love story set in the Bosnian war. The movie generated much controversy in Bosnia, but will open in U.S. theaters soon and has been nominated for a Golden Globe...
Read full storyAspartame Boy finds proof that Diet Coke helps you stay trim
MANCHESTER, England - Aspartame Boy now has first hand evidence that you CAN lose weight on Diet Coke. He actually lost 20 stone after switching from Diet Pepsi to Diet Coke. "I don't know why, but I just started losing weight like crazy after I...
Read full storyTaliban to create version of The Office.
The Taliban have won a bid for the rights to develop their own unique take of the hit British television show The Office. Analysts are hailing the move to create an Afghan based version of 'The Office' as a step back from the Taliban's previous refu...
Read full storyPaper And Ink Factory Explosion Creates Entire Dictionary By Accident: "See! Told ya!" Say Evolutionists
Miami, Florida - Evolutionists could not contain their excitement when a paper and ink factory exploded today, inadvertently creating an entire, accurate dictionary in its wake. Miami Paper and Ink Inc. exploded for unknown reasons. As hundreds w...
Read full storyAngelena Rumoured To Be 'Outraged'
The tabloids are starting off 2012 with a sham wow bang. Taking the art of fabricating scandals about Brat Pitt, Angelena Jolies and Jennifur Anistan to new extreme heights, Star Talk claims Ange flew out the door and temporarily left Brat after f...
Read full story