Letter From America Just The Tonic For Ailing Manchester United

Funny story written by Skoob1999

Thursday, 5 January 2012

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Manchester United officials today revealed that the entire squad felt rejuvenated and raring to go, after a letter from America was read aloud to the first team squad at United's Carrington training ground.

Following a roller coaster ride this season, which saw the Red Devils beat Arsenal 8-2, before being trashed by Manchester City 6-1 at Old Trafford, and 3-0 at Newcastle, not to mention a 3-2 reverse at home to lowly Blackburn, a bewildered first team squad related to reporters that they were up for it and ready to come out swinging.

It is understood that Sir Alex Ferguson selected the letter as the missive of the day, and read it aloud to the entire first team squad.

An insider related that the letter originated from Port Calais, which is near Hog Jaw, Arkansas, a suburb of the Canadian hinterland, somewhere between Aryugoing and Havubeen, in Manitoba, in the United States Of Canada, near Mexico.

A leaked copy of the letter revealed:

"Dear Man U,

As a lifelong true blue Man U fan, ever since the days of JIMMY GREAVES and COLIN BELL, and one who spent many a happy hour on THE KIPPAX STREET terrace as a child, and regularly followed the BLUES, as we were then known, home and away travelling in a motorbike and sidecar BECAUSE I KNOW ALL ABOUT HARDSHIP, and the SHANKLY years, I would just like to say that the recent run of bad results in no way deflects my loyalty to the team. I'll never forget the day I sat in THE DON REVIE STAND when a RODNEY MARSH backheel condemned us to life in THE OLD DIVISION FIVE. But only for a month or so, BECAUSE WE BOUNCED BACK. No thanks to DAVID BECKHAM - who I never liked anyway, because the arrogant little pipsqueak never answered my fan mail (I BLAME THE SECURITY PEOPLE AT ANFIELD FOR THAT!) and he invariably returned my generous donations of burnt saucepans, and black puddings. AND HE CALLS HIMSELF A NORTHERNER! Anyway, I'm convinced that all of these bad results are just an unfortunate coincidence and that my beloved RED DEMONS will be back on form quicker than you can say LICKETY SPIT and show the SCOUSNEYS and the COCKNERS who will win the SUPERBOWL. Especially with our STAR QUARTERBACK, the one and only, WAYNE RODNEE! YAYYYY! GO WAZZOCK!


Sir Alex described the letter as "Inspirational."

Choking back a tear, Wayne Rooney told reporters:

"This is so touching. It's inspired the lads no end. It's nice to know that certain sensitive souls appreciate the hardships us footballers go through in order to entertain the masses. And that. With loyal and inspirational support like this, we can just kick our history into the bin, and GO OUT AND WIN THAT BLOODY SUPERBOWL! We'll be unstoppable when we get Luis Suarez, the Israeli international, and Jerry Rice, the Bolivian right winger back from suspension."

"Wot a load of old bollox!" exclaimed Washington Redskins head coach, Harry Redknapp. "I've never read such a load of old pie and mash in me bleedin' life!"

More as we get it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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