Archer perjury corrals Seminoles into bankruptcy sting
London - (Ass Mess): The Rather Serious Fraud Squad was laughing all the way to the Labour Party sperm-donor bank today following the news that reckless native American gamblers the Seminioles have fallen for the last leg of one of the Met's best...
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American Idiot Premiers on FOX
Move over American Idol. Clay, Carrie, Kelly? You rock hard but FOX claims that their American Idiot rocks even HARDER and is fact going to make the lot of you seem like 4th runner-ups in the Road Kill Georgia Jr High School spelling bee. On...
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Laura's red dress howler
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): Laura Bush's embarrassment was excruciating last night as she and President Bush hosted a gala dinner at the White House where nearly all the invited guests turned up in exactly the same hideous, ruinously expensive de...
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Transcript of latest Lindsay Lohan rant
Lindsey Lohan has recently been critisized for the letters she's been sending. She wrote condolences to Robert Altmans famly and they were amazed by the rambling they read, here's her latest attempt at written communication:...
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Madonna muzzles her critics with coat made of Pubes!
Madonna blew away a group of animal rights campaigners last night when she wore a full-length coat made from her own pubic hair.
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U2's Bono Packs His Bags And Looks For Place Where Streets Have His Name
Bono, the litigious front man of Irish rockers U2, is reported to be on the lookout for a new pad in London's trendy Belgravia.
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Blair takes up 'Aimez-la ou quittez-la' Le Pen strategy
Drowning Street, London - (Ass Mess): The slogan of fascist French politician Jean-Marie Le Pen has finally reared its ugly at 10 Downing Street today when the Prime Monster admitted his immigration policy upgrade translated roughly as 'bugger of...
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Huntsman Walks Free - Insists "I Did Nothing Wrong"
The master of the Belfryshire's 'Yoiks Tally-ho Hunt', Major Burgundy Tulip, was up before Magistrates this morning charged with causing GBH, cruelty to animals, contrary to that bloody stupid and unenforceable new law the government brou...
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Uri Geller's penis falls off as 'wankathon' goes horribly wrong
Uri Geller was in hospital last night, with surgeons battling to reattach his severed penis, after a charity wankathon went horribly wrong.
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Asian condoms slur prompts call for 'cup sizing'
Bangalore, India - (Ass Mess): Following initial outrage over racist allegations that the global one-size-fits-all condom policy leaves much to be desired in males of the Indian sub-continent a leading prophylactic manufacturer has vowed to introduce...
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Accept Tolerance or Else, says Blair
In a landmark speech from Downing Street earlier today, Tony Blair warned that extreme religious groups would not be tolerated in Britain today. "This is a multicultural society" he said "with deeply ingrained values of tolerance and...
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Super casino to be built in Heaven
God announced plans today for a new super casino to be built in Heaven. The new complex will be one of the biggest structures ever created and will feature 24 hour gambling and a huge hotel complex.
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The Iraq Study Group Report
After nine months of intensive deliberations, a leaked dossier prepared by the bipartisan Iraq Study Group co-chaired by James Baker, a former Secretary of State (Republican) and Lee Hamilton (Democrat), a former U.S. Representative has come to light...
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Say "Cheese" As Blair Reveals Plans To Catch Us All On camera
It has been revealed today that the Government plans to step up its installation of surveillance cameras around the country.
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Elton John Eaten In Extraordinary Incident
The mystery of where pop icon, Sir Elton John, has been recently can be solved. The diminutive strop-throwing little madam has been conspicuous by his absence for several weeks but now the spoof can reveal his whereabouts.
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Radical Cure Gets Headmaster's "Volt"
Headmaster, Ellis Dee, has come up with a novel idea of how to deal with the disruption in classes caused by kids in his school diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ABC).
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King of the Jungle...or is it the Bungle?
Perth, WA,Australia - England cricket supremo Duncan Fletcher has today angrily denied Fleet Street reports that the famous symbol of English cricket, a Lion, is to be replaced with a rampant Lemming...
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Huntington Beach police plant evidence
California, Huntington Beach police revealed today that they regularly plant evidence on unsuspecting citizens to teach rookie officers the fine art of setting up a suspect.
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Porn Chicks do Shakespeare
How unreal can reality TV go? A new Fox Network show, "My Bare Lady", Is begging the question, can porn girls act? We all know the answer to this but apparently Fox has to see for themselves.
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Irish Judge Steals Purses
It has been reported that an Irish judge has been seen taking purses from convicts because they were going to jail.
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Cheney Killed In Action In Iraq, Joining Dozens of Top Bush Officials, and Their Kids
WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney died in Iraq last week trying to defuse a roadside bomb while serving in the Army under an assumed name.
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Britney Spears' vagina sues for emancipation
In an unprecedented move today Britney Spears vagina has retained council and filed court papers requesting emancipation from Britney Spears body.
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Bush Gives White House To Al Gore
Wall Street Kernel - With the recent release of the devastating Baker Iraq Study Group Report, suggesting that 'stay the course' strategy was unrealistic - sanitized word for suicidal - George W. Bush - 43, following a rug chewing, wall kicki...
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Old Friends and Fun in Sunday School
This week, I spoke with an old friend for the first time in about twenty years. As we talked about the past, different events from our childhoods were brought back to light (ones that were better left in the dark). My wife, who heard much of the conversation, now thinks I'm terrible. My thirteen year old son, who also heard, now thinks me a hero.
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Custody Awarded of Britney Spears/Kevin Federline Children
A Nevada judge has reached a custody decision on the two young sons of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Both were seeking custody of the children (Britney wanted shared and Federline wanted sole). In a surprising move, the judge did not grant th...
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Social Services To Open Octogenarian Dispute Settlement Center For Holidays
Social Services decided to open up octogenarian dispute settlement centers today in Tampa and other cities across the nation. The purpose of the centers is to serve seniors and help them resolve problems with older family members over the holidays. A...
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