Dear Sir, Do any readers or perhaps your resident staff know how I can be rid of a particular kind of vermin? I am talking about bandicoots. These are a kid of Australian rat. I'm not sure if they are marsupials like wallabies etc, though I have seen no evidence of pouches etc. The problem is, where I live, in East Anglia, we have our exposed gardens and we have lots of old windmills, and a...
Sir: Is Abel Rodriquez Polish? While I find his stories both voluminous and humorous, I am often puzzled by his arcane references and foreign phrases. When he comes in for his cheque Friday, could you please ask him for me what a 'Chupacabra" is? Thanks to Morse, another of my favourites, I now know what a "Chingadera' is, but that 'Chuppie' reference still eludes me! Does he keep one in h...
Sir What is it with people with queries, and bosses who monitor calls? I used to work in a call centre, and recently some bloke from Bromsgrove rang in to ask the price of them little rubber things you put under castors to protect wooden floors from your furniture wheels. When I looked it up, it was thirty-one ninety nine for six, and you'd need at least two sets for your average piece of furni...
Dear Idiot: I read yesterday where you wrote that rascists like that Rand Paul guy shouldn't be allowed on the ballots at all. David Duke ran for President. Robert Byrd, former Grand High Clexon of the West Virginia KKK has been serving for years. Barometer Obama is racist as hell; I heard that from Glenn Beck, an impeccable source. So, you just go fuck yerself you yellow muradered, marri...
Dear Editor: I just thought that I would write a quick little message and just let everyone know that I am not missing. And the truth of the matter is that I am purposely hiding in a cave in Afghanistan. Yes I know it sounds crazy, but hey Osama Bin Laden has been doing it for years. I find that the absolutely atrocious Afghani heat helps with my sinus condition, my digestive system, my circulato...
Sir, I want to complain about all these cookery programmes on the telly. These so-called chefs keep popping up telling me to finely chop some onions, or capers, or crush some garlic up with a cleaver or a sharp knife and it makes me really angry. I live at Broadmoor Psychiatric Hospital for the Criminally Insane, and no matter how much I plead with the warders, they won't let me have a cleaver...
Myrtle Beach Fun Times Sahib: I recently moved here from New Delhi to get away from the heat, the crowds, the violence and slum dog millionaires. While it is true I have not met any Pakis since I have been here, I have to date not found a curry shop. Since being forced to exist on your cuisine of deep fried green tomatoes, oysters, pickles, chicken livers, pork chops and Krispy Cremes my fa...
Dear Sir Smile though your heart is aching Why is Nick Clegg looking so glum? He sits next to his new best friend, the Prime Minister, at PMQ's but he does not appear to participate. The Prime Minister throws his old Etonian jokes back at the Labour Party and sometimes the jokes are funny. Nick doesn't laugh. Is he playing both sides at the same time? Perhaps he is still hiding his fu...
Sir It makes me really, REALLY angry that the judges on Britain's Got Talent are so homophobic. We had that drag queen who dressed up as Lady Gaga - he got short shrift, and then we had that bloke who mimed to a Madonna song with a shit dance. Admittedly, the Madonna impersonating bloke wasn't properly gay, but he still got voted off because they thought he was gay. I mean, COME ON! If that's n...
Sir Me and a few mates have hatched a really cunning plan. Because Israel won't apologise for shooting them there people on that aid boat, we're gonna get some helicopters to drop us on some of them illegal West Bank settlements, and when they attack us with sticks and barbecue tongs we'll shoot the bastards. That'll make 'em think twice in future. Nogga Dogg, Norris Green Sir It makes...
Sir I see on the news again that we've got another nutter running amok shooting people. This time in Cumbria. What really gets my goat about this kind of thing is that the killer eventually turns the gun on himself. If he would only start at the end and work his way backwards then the first victim of his killing spree would be himself. It would save an awful lot of time and trouble for all conc...
Dear Editor: My unmarried auntie Ida Ravenscroft, 67, and I were wondering if they ever found out "Who Let The Dogs Out?" Byron Basil Ravenscroft Tooting, England Dear Byron: Yes they did. It was a 33-year-old unemployed crumpet maker from Coventry by the name of Lysander Walpole. He was arrested and is currently serving 2 years (that's 14 in dog years) in London's Petula Clark Prison For B...
Myrtle Beach Fun Times: Letters to the Editor Section. Sir: I totally agree with the new immigration laws. It is about time our lawmakers did something about the illegal alienation of affection, especially from those people from Argentina. Sincerely, Ginny Sanford First Lady of SC (divorced) Sir: I have been a life long motorcyclist and avid believer in not wearing a helmet. Af...
Mark Lowton, owner and editor of the popular on line humor magazine "The Spoor" was arrested late Friday for attempting to smuggle a bag of sex toys into a Catholic boys orphanage. On his arrest, the man with the handlebar mustache and brown raincoa...
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!
