Written by Morse

Sunday, 6 June 2010


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Spoof Fan Letters Sometimes Bite Back!


Is Abel Rodriquez Polish? While I find his stories both voluminous and humorous, I am often puzzled by his arcane references and foreign phrases.

When he comes in for his cheque Friday, could you please ask him for me what a 'Chupacabra" is? Thanks to Morse, another of my favourites, I now know what a "Chingadera' is, but that 'Chuppie' reference still eludes me! Does he keep one in his flat, and if so, what does he feed it?

I would like one too, whatever it is.

Lonely in San Francisco


I am deeply puzzled, and getting frustrated with your efforts to shield your writers' identities. I have serious objections to several of your writers who continue to mock female public celebrities for their valued input into today's real big social problems.

Continued efforts to reach these writers through your antiquated Private Message System has resulted in all the pigeons returning to my attic with no answers, just more of their same 'shit.'

I have spent months haunting Facebook, but my continued efforts have been foiled since none of the writers, except Gail Farrelly, who only writes nice stuff, has let me be their 'friend.' She looks almost as good as Jodie Foster in her youth, BTW.

These 'other' writers need to be held accountable, and I will not rest till
I find out who they are, and why they are picking on me.

John Hinkley


I want to congratulate you for introducing some great new children's fantasy articles in your magazine section. Thanks to Erskine Quint and that Canadian Chappie Victor, I have managed to ween my 12 year old son away from the telly, weird internet games, and just lounging around. Their recent safari into the wilds of Africa have captured Little David's imagination.

Now, if I can only get him to stop wanking over those National Geographics
he's been copping from the local library, things will be put right; things a bit sticky right now.

Muffy Sinclair
Cambridge, MA.


When will the Skoob Bobble Head Doll go on sale? I keep asking down at my local chip shop when the next promotion will be, but they seem to be as much in the dark as meslelf! I don't need any more of those fooking plastic drink cups with Colonel Juan's picture handed out by that Frog Wine bar....if I wanted to see anymore people from Brazil I'd just move to Massachusetts and be done wit it!

BTW, the Bobble Head Doll of Bureau Person now available at the Kabob shops are shite! After reading all his Snippets, I don't believe he has a red dot in the middle of his forehead! Let's be real all you people!

Real Brit (under siege)


Please tell Lynton for me how much I enjoy his relaxing prose! Before I discovered him on The Spoof, I tossed and turned all night with insomnia and bad dreams. Now, after reading just a few paragraphs of his lilting prose I'm off like a new born babe with visions of big words tumbling around my brain like smiley clouds!

I still suffer from a sexual malfunction caused by my life long belief in abstention after a tragic experience with a butcher boy a bit younger than myself. Since reading Lynton I am having second thoughts.

Do you think you could have Lynton send me a picture of himself naked in the shower reciting poetry as a sex aid? I don't want to jump back into the dating game 'hole hog', just thought I'd get me finger a wee bit wet at first!"

M. Robinson
M.P. Scotland(ret)


As a life long hypochondriac, no mean feat with rationed care here in the UK, do you think you could convince Victor Nicholas (MD) to write a health care column dealing with my myriad concerns. I guarantee he would never run out of material, and it would be a real public service to people like me.
Right now, my head feels like it's going to spilt, and I may do something rash.

Hurry Doc!

D. Bird


Can't you print anything but gobbledygook! I have tried to get through some of the stories here despite the absence of very many pictures, and the overuse of punctuation, but I have been forced to give up in disgust.

As an elected official in your country, even though I am not from here, I find
your written language well above the understanding of the average asylum seeker, many of whom are my countrymen.

I find this disgraceful, and I will be working to have your writers put under the control of UNITE. It's about time this site and its unrelenting attempts at humour were finally GROUNDED!.

(name with held due to pending ASBO)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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