Written by Morse

Friday, 4 June 2010


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image for Letters to the Editor - from the Southern Colonies!
Myrtle Beach Retirees Heading Out Sunday for Sunrise Service at First Tee!

Myrtle Beach Fun Times


I recently moved here from New Delhi to get away from the heat, the crowds, the violence and slum dog millionaires. While it is true I have not met any Pakis since I have been here, I have to date not found a curry shop. Since being forced to exist on your cuisine of deep fried green tomatoes, oysters, pickles, chicken livers, pork chops and Krispy Cremes my face has broken out and I'm so fat I can't find my own punjab!

Yesterday, after dinner, the woman who agreed to marry me for $25,000 Euros and a cow backed out and ran away with a Greek who could both line dance and do the 'shag.'

I am very sorry. But I must leave. I think I try UK next...lots of curry, I hear, and woman too drunk to dance or notice my zits.

Sinjab Bakkeesh


I am a professional dancer, licensed masseuse and sex therapist who just moved down from NYC after some legal difficulties arose over my use of Craigs List.

I must take issue with your publication as there are no personal ads, and several classifieds I tried to post and pay for were rejected. I know there are many old, retired, rich and needy men here who would love my services, but I am being restrained from earning a living due to your restrictive editorial policies.

I am willing to meet you in private to discuss my resume and see if something can be worked out. I just can't continue working from a corner in the middle of a gated residential community without attracting unwarranted attention pretending I'm looking for my golf ball.

Honey Potts

I recently relocated from New Jersey as it became unbearable to live there anymore since they have raised taxes 115 times in the last 3 years, and my real estate taxes on the home I owned since 1961 rose to $18,750, which I felt was excessive. It was a Sears Roebuck kit house my grandparents assembled themselves in 1931 and needed some cosmetics.

I really love it here, but you don't have any amenities. You should spend some more money putting in 3 wheeled bike paths up US 17, clear the vacant lots and put in senior facilities for horse shoes, bocci, badminton and build some air conditioned pavilions for shuffleboard, checkers and chess tournaments.

Also, I notice there is no free public transportation, meals on wheels available, and no off track betting parlors or slot machine casinos. Don't you care about us old people?

We sure would hate to move again!

Chester & Amy Lee Sutcliff


This is an official notification that I am preparing a class action suit against the City of Myrtle Beach for alienation of affection, promoting addiction leading to bankruptcy, and lack of companionship.

Since moving here from Sioux City, Iowa last fall, my husband of 42 years is never home, spending all his time on the golf course with a rag tag bunch of former armed forces veterans, and when he's not playing golf he's at the Vet's club sucking down those $2 pitchers of beer.

My life has turned into a living hell since I no longer have anyone to yell at or belittle.

I am warning you, I'm not the only one that feels this way. You'll be hearing more from us soon.

Doris Smallmouth; President/Abandoned Wives Coalition of Grand Strand


I can't tell you how happy I am that we decided to move to Myrtle Beach which changed my life from a nightmare into a dream!.

My husband has a history of sexual addiction which he continually took out on me, sometimes in the most embarrassing and public displays of rampant testosterone.

Since he's found out about golf, he is never home, spends most nights watching the golf channel, and even got into making his own clubs in his garage workshop . The only men's magazines he buys now are related to perfecting his swing, not trying to get me to try 'swinging!"

Thank you Myrtle Beach! As a former nun, I can't tell you what a relief it is to get back to my Faith again and take a break from the bedroom...and the kitchen table, the footstool, the hot tub, the kitchen countertop......"(edited due to limited space)

Mary Jo O'Shaughnesy

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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