Dear Duff, Just recently I seem to be unable to keep a civil tongue in my head. During a recent trip to Australia I called the Prime Minister a one-eyed Scottish idiot and I'm worried by what I might do next. You see I have an invitation to a garden party at Buckingham Palace this coming summer and I am to be introduced to Her Majesty the Queen in person. I'm afraid that I might blurt...
Dear Duff I think I'm going crackers because I'm hearing voices all the time and I can't seem to get any peace. I go out to Strabucks and there are people talking - voices. I then go to the supermarket and hear people talking there also - more voices. But the worst thing of all is I may be lying in bed at night and then get up and press a tumbler against my neighbours wall. I can frequent...
Dear Duff, You may think that this is a rather trivial matter but to me it's actually a matter of life and death. I'm currently suspended from a suspension bridge (rather apt that isn't it?)But thanks to modern technology and in particular my Blackberry, I am in fact able to email you asking for assistance. So, do you think that if I try and struggle free from the straight jacket that Nos...
Dear Duff, I'm at my wits' end and don't know who to turn to. I suspect that my wife, Georgina, is in fact an alien visiting Earth from a far-distant galaxy where no man has boldly gone before. It's the little things she does that give it away, like for example, gripping the bars of the electric fire with her bare hands. She says that it's just to help her circulation during these cold Janua...
DEAR Uncle Aspartame, For many years I have used Aparatame to sweeten my grits instead of sugar. I love it so much and it makes me feel so good. People have me scared out of my noddle with the stories they tell me about how dangerous aspartame is. How can our government allow the public to use something so deadly? The same people tell me the government gets kickbacks from the maker's of a...
Dear Duff, My husband is hiding a secret from me, I'm sure of it. He is becoming furtive in his behaviour and last week when he was out playing golf I found a weapon of mass destruction hidden behind a loose tile in the bathroom. Do you think that he's possibly chosen world domination over our idyllic lives here in Cheadle Hulme? Or do you perhaps think that if I turn a blind-eye all this fo...
Dear Duff, I am beginning to worry about what's happening to me. For a while now I have had a strange sense of feeling superior to everyone else. I have stopped my subscriptions to various charities and I no longer buy The Big issue from street sellers. I also long to see tramps flogged and mortgage defaulters thrown out on the streets. Do you think that there may be something wrong with...
It is said Men are from Mars and Women from Venus and therefore see the world differently. So what would happen if "Dear Abby" became "Dear Andy" Dear Andy, I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walk...
Dear A$$FF44giveness, As a loyal supporter and lifelong admirer of your very catholic leadership, I must humbly ask how it is possible that you defended illegal recruiting practices and had the unmitigated gall to appeal the AIAA decision that your school's recruiting policies were in violation of league rules? Your athletic supporter. Dear Jock, It is true that I traveled to Ph...
My in-tray often contains heart-rending stories of bravery and people beating the odds. Martin's letter wasn't one of them. He writes; "Dear Lettuce, I was recently made redundant from my job in a Major Highstreet Bank. In the last year I have taken on a £185,000 mortgage and a £7,000 car loan, my wife has given birth to quadruplets so has had to give up her job. My redundancy pay will only co...
Hello, I am Andy, but you can call me Andy as well. This is my new agony uncle column in TheSpoof.com Magazine. Let's get started: Ok, this one is from Anna in Maidstone: Dear Andy, I have the weird feeling that every time I watch the news, my stomach starts rumbling and I get hungry even though I have just had my supper. What do I do? A. Well Anna, I'm taking a risk saying this but, I...
Dearest Madame Bitters, Madame Bitters, why are you such an uncaring bitch? I've been reading your column since you started posting on theSpoof.com and I am horrified by your "advice". It's not only wrong-headed but some of your suggestions are dangerous and illegal. Your "advice" is going to hurt someone one day and then what are you going to do? I don't know how you sleep at night. S...
Dearest Madame Bitters, I'm so upset with my twin brother and my girlfriend that I just don't know what to do! "Staci" and I have been going together since junior year of high school and she's the only girl I've ever loved. We're both 20 now and lately we've been talking about marriage. I thought everything was fine but three days ago she told me that she and my brother "Keith" have been have b...
Willie's Wisdom - Let the Scottish Sage Solve All Your Problems Dear Willie, I have a small problem I was hoping you might be able to help me with. The thing is I have recently started going out with a very nice girl, but the thing is she's six foot two while I'm only five three and I'm afraid of heights. Yours, Tommy, Chicago Dear Tommy, I cannae see how that's a 'wee' problem.
Write Uncle Aspartame if aspartame is giving you any problems in YOUR life. We cannot reply to all letters, but if you are special, we just might reply AND publish your letter here! Dear Uncle Aspartame, I can't stop singing this song to the tune of "The Candy Man": Who can make the young die? And cover it with lies? The aspartame man, O the aspartame man, O the aspartame man, O t...
Write Uncle Aspartame if aspartame is giving you any problems in YOUR life. We cannot reply to all letters, but if you are special, we just might reply AND publish your letter here! Dear Uncle Aspartame, I am trying to increase my aspartame intake per the new FDA recommendations, but I keep getting blisters. What can I do? Blistered, at the South Pole Dear Blistered,...
AUSTIN, Texas - Dr. Sinclair Tucker received his therapeutic pediatric license in 1999, from Solid State University in San Antonio, Texas. He later attended Winnipeg's prestigious Shania Twain College where he received his poetic license. Tucker has been practicing pediatric therapy in Austin for nearly 20 years. He has just published his tenth children's book. His latest publication is enti...
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