David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons! Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day! Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more stray animals! Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper Martha! Have you got ants in your pants? Why can'...
It is a source of great consternation to many Christians that the Bible, their holiest book, is more of a holey book. Now moves are afoot to correct some of the self contradictions and factual inaccuracies that riddle the tome. "The problems start...
"And on judgement day, He will walk among us with his staff held erect," says Revelations 12:8. "We have been looking at this phrase for the past two thousand years," said Biblical scholar, Samuel Ahmed. "And it was only yesterday when we realised that when God bestrides the earth at the end of days, he will do so with his cock out. It certainly is a book of revelations!" Based on this rem...
Theological Biblical Students at Wakefield Primary School believe that the story of the Feeding of the Five Thousand in the Bible is an example of the world's first Flash Mob. "Basically," said Naomi Jefferson, "we think that Jesus put some sort o...
Theologians working in Jerusalem have uncovered a new text that accompanies the New Testament having been written by Joseph of Nazareth. "It's an amazing first hand account," said Al Salem, a theologian at the Jerusalem Bible Study Institute in B...
An unnamed deity has sued the Bible after a number of the writers purported to reveal the name of the deity who allegedly impregnated the Virgin Mary. The deity's legal team begun the legal action in the High Court in London yesterday in what is t...
London - Bible cryptographers have found new evidence pointing to Queen Elizabeth eating her very last Beluga caviar canapé this Wednesday. A passage in the Gospel According to Fluke says she's likely to croak it on the night ahead of her 85th bir...
Mark the 400th anniversary of the King James Bible by throwing a party. Why not? St. Patrick's Day has passed for another year. Even non-Irish folk were out in the streets all around the world, wearing green and drinking green beer.....today...peeing green pee. If atheists can celebrate St. Paddy's day...they'll be out in great numbers for this 400th anniversary of the King James Bible bas...
Based on the continued likelihood of QE3, the following is a satire based on Matthew 18:23-23 Once upon a time, a certain king in a land of ease wished to settle accounts. Usurers who owed billions were brought to him. The Usurers had bribed the gullible into burdensome loans they knew the debtors could not repay. Floundering beneath the loans, the debtors scoured nickels and dimes to pay wha...
EL PASO, Texas-Biblical scholars and archaeologists the world over converged on El Paso, the hometown of Dusty Gibbons of ZZ Top, today. Apparently, some writings were discovered in the vast Texan desert (only about 4 miles from Gibbons' manorial...
Dramatis Personae Mark: A writer Zebedee: A father. James & John: Joined at the hip. Thaddeus: Not sure. Simon…uh…Peter…uh…Simon: Never mind. Act 1 of the Apostles Mark: Salutations, Zebedee, father of James and John. Zebedee: Shalom, boychik. Mark: How are you these days? Zebedee: What can one say? He comes. He goes. He comes again. And then He goes. But w...
Today God let it accidentally slip that the Neanderthals were his first and only choice to be his Chosen People. God created Neanderthals, he said, bigger, stronger, and more intelligent than humans. They were destined to create a peaceful civili...
Biblical scholars, combing through old Greek manuscripts, have uncovered the writings of a previously unknown disciple of Jesus whose writings were left out of the New Testament of the Holy Bible. This thirteenth disciple, whose name was Biddy,...
An enterprising clergyman from Little Rock, Arkansas is currently working on the first ever major revision of the Living Bible in order to include the "Book of Clem" to secure a record of the recent inexplicable events which have left the State of Ar...
The Catholic Church has announced that God has commanded them to revise the Book Of Revelation, to include MTV's "Snooki Ball-drop" as a sign of the Apocalypse. "OK, here's the deal," said the Pope, whose name I am too lazy to research. I think i...
01) God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions. 02) God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. 03) God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. 04) God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself. 05) God...
Bible-bashing scientists are planning to build a "full-scale wooden replica" of Noah's Ark at a Kentucky theme park. Among the scheme's backers are boffins from Answers in Genesis, the people responsible for the Creation Museum, near Petersburg, i...
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