Written by Anan E Maus

Thursday, 10 February 2011

EL PASO, Texas-Biblical scholars and archaeologists the world over converged on El Paso, the hometown of Dusty Gibbons of ZZ Top, today.

Apparently, some writings were discovered in the vast Texan desert (only about 4 miles from Gibbons' manorial home), written in his stagy hand, but entirely written in Aramaic-a long-dead language, precursor to Hebrew, and the main tongue of the first half of the Bible!

Various handwriting experts have unequivocally ascertained that this is indeed the hand-writing of Dusty Gibbons! Dusty was approached by the press at his 45,000 acre estate, but he was deep in the vast backyard behind the large, palatial, white manor he bought and built using monies garnered from ZZ Top's vast musical output.

The press and the archaeologists and the biblical scholars took the 1 hour trip deep into the estate, to where, lo and behold, Dusty Gibbons was hard at work on some sort of large vessel, constructed entirely of wood.

He hadn't shaved in a while, so his signature beard was even longer and fuller and bushier than it normally was, and he twirled it's ends between his fingers as he worked.

Strangely, Mr. Gibbons was not attired in his normal getup, nor anything remotely modern-looking for that matter. He was clad in some ancient-looking robe, a long, crooked staff lounging against a nearby joshua tree. It seems that the only modern accessory he was sporting were his signature sunglasses.

Reporters approached him warily, but the biblical scholars, carrying crude photographic representations of Noah with them, ran up and tried to cross-index and identify him using these materials.

Of course, the sunglasses proved to be a bit obstructionist, and so a bolder biblical scholar reached out and plucked them off of his face. A face that was fully seen once they were removed: it was an ancient, wrinkled visage that confronted everyone upon the removal of the sunglasses.

Gibbons/Noah, for so have stool samples taken from him confirmed, screamed and reached wildly for the sunglasses, still held out of reach by the flabbergasted biblical scholar.

However, given that some theologians and clerics were part of the vast entourage that had approached Gibbons/Noah, some of these could not tolerate the scorn and disrespect to a biblical figure displayed by this possession of his sunglasses, so they grabbed them back and handed them back to a still-shrieking and sobbing Gibbons/Noah.

Carbon-14 dating of Noah's blood, bile, sweat, tears, urine and finally, once again, his defecate have dated him at just a little over 5600 years of age! Gerontologists the world over have also been called in to take a gander at this incredible sight.

Photographs, the first ever taken of Noah, have been snapped by a horde of journalistic photographers and paparazzi, but Noah/Gibbons, shrieked and sobbed at the flashing of the bulbs on these and newer cameras and tried, in vain, to cover his face, but he was held down, ironically by theologians-most of whom no doubt still assumed that this was a hoax.

However, this is no hoax, this is the real Noah! Several reporters have tried to conduct interviews with Gibbons/Noah, but he speaks in a language, confirmed by linguists and biblical historians to be Aramaic, that almost no one can understand.

He sounds wheezy and stilted and dessicated, rather like the world's oldest Jewish man, which I suppose he is-even if he is in fact from a time before the Jewish race was even made official and covenanted.

A few translators have been brought in from various Hebrew schools in America, England, Europe and Israel, and these have managed to start a dialogue with him.

So far, from much questioning, all that has been learned is that Noah (as he is now called, considering he was never Dusty Gibbons), proficient in his day on the shoha-mandolisnk, an ancient Canaanite cousin to the mandolin, lute and guitar, learned to play the guitar and then the electric guitar with equal proficiency, and then joined a band, which he called, in memory of the original name he had for the Ark, ZZ Top (which was "zezi-topfahitipah" or "boat of the great greatness of God")...so in way, in addition to being founded by Noah, ZZ Top has also been proven to be, if not an official Christian rock band, then at least a Jewish or Aramaic one! Some scholars have even begun to study the song "Jesus Left Chicago" thinking it might be a key to where the Ark, now confirmed to be authentic, is buried.

Various archaeologists, also thinking that other ZZ Top songs-including, for some odd reason, "She's Got Legs," "Sharp-Dressed Man", "Tush", "Le Grange" and "Gimmie Some Lovin'"-held various important biblical secrets, such as the locations of once-fabled places and things, have begun to study these and will be preparing expeditions and fact-finding missions, with Noah in tow as a guide, to Israel, Egypt, Palestine and Syria...all places believed to be the home nations of Noah.

Some are even thinking of using Noah's new ark to take them there, for generally it has been found to be quite seaworthy, if lacking any propulsion.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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