Is the Bible about to be made more factual?

Funny story written by IainB

Friday, 2 December 2011

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The bible is in tatters and needs a major re-write

It is a source of great consternation to many Christians that the Bible, their holiest book, is more of a holey book. Now moves are afoot to correct some of the self contradictions and factual inaccuracies that riddle the tome.

"The problems start in Genesis," said Bible historian, Pav Gann. "Adam and Eve are the first people, they have two sons and no other children are mentioned. One son is killed and Cain has to go and live with a village full of people... That is taking Deus Ex Machina a little far."

Inconsistencies such as this pale into insignificance against one of the Bible's central tenets.

"The Bible has a prophecy that the Messiah will be born of the line of David," said Gann. "Joseph is of the line of David. Not Mary. Yet Jesus is meant to be an immaculate conception, and thus the son of God, not Joseph. By this account, he is not of the line of David, and therefore, not the Messiah, or Son of God. This is just plain confusing."

How contradictions like this will be rectified is open for debate, with Biblical scholars planning a conference the like of which has not been seen since the fourth century when the Bible was put together to further the cause of the church by selecting appropriate stories.

"During the conference," said Gann, "we will decide whether we should move Christ's birthday back to July, where the Roman records have him situated. Also, if we should remove the frankly ludicrous suggestion that Mary and Joseph returned to Bethlehem for census purposes, as the Romans didn't insist on people returning to the town of their birth for a census."

The conference is slated for early March next year, giving plenty of time for the various Biblical scholars to construct their own problems and solutions. It is expected to run until late August, as no two Biblical scholars can agree on any item in the Bible, and the arguments are expected to get quite lengthy and heated.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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