Theologians discover new book of the bible

Funny story written by IainB

Monday, 25 July 2011

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The bible could end up quite thick if the truth was included

Theologians working in Jerusalem have uncovered a new text that accompanies the New Testament having been written by Joseph of Nazareth.

"It's an amazing first hand account," said Al Salem, a theologian at the Jerusalem Bible Study Institute in Berne. "We believe it to have been cast aside during the conclave of the Council of Nicea, due to being quite vitriolic, not the word of God, and not advancing the story of Christ in anyway."

The new text that was written during the time of Christ himself was penned by Jesus's earthly father.

"Joseph of Nazareth became a grumpy old man," said Al Salem. "For example in one passage he bemoans that Jesus is announced as the 'Son of David' and the 'Son of God', but nobody ever says 'Son of Joseph the Carpenter'. In another passage, he cries to God: 'If he's your son, how about some money towards his upkeep? Sandals don't grow on trees, and his feet grow so fast!'"

Joseph gives an alternate account of the feeding of the five thousand, claiming that he was up all night making fish sandwiches and his son took credit. In Joseph's (translated words): "It was just like Jezza to let other people have his lunch. It was a good job I'd made extra."

Calls are now afoot to have the almost diary-like gospel to be included in the next lot of bibles. Al Salem believes this to be unlikely.

"I believe this is unlikely," confirmed Al Salem. "We've known about St Tim and St Tom's gospels for about fifteen hundred years. There are also rumours, mainly started by Dan Brown, about a gospel of Mary Magdalene hidden away in the Vatican Catacombs. It is more likely that the Gospel According to Jezza's Dad will remain a mere curiosity."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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