Written by mikewadestr

Thursday, 6 January 2011

Biblical scholars, combing through old Greek manuscripts, have uncovered the writings of a previously unknown disciple of Jesus whose writings were left out of the New Testament of the Holy Bible.

This thirteenth disciple, whose name was Biddy, had written the Book of Dirty Ditties which was a collection of bawdy songs that were compiled during his time as a disciple under Jesus.

"This is really fascinating", Doctor Halo told everyone at a gathering of Biblical Scholars in Athens Greece. "It appears from these new readings that this newly discovered disciple was unlike any of the other twelve and in the opinion of Jesus, did not garner recognition to be seen as a part of biblical history, so before the occurrence of the Last Supper, Jesus cut him from his team of disciples. Jesus gives a lot of reasons for Biddy not fitting in, but, in all honesty, the real reason was that Jesus and the other twelve disciples were downright jealous of Biddy".

Apparently, back in Jesus' day, there was a lot of competing messiahs and the only way for one messiah wannabe to stay ahead of the rest was to draw crowds. Jesus wasn't doing so well in the popularity contest until he brought on Biddy as one of his disciples. Man, Biddy changed everything for Jesus. Biddy drew crowds. Biddy drew raves. Biddy could write and sing some awesome dirty ditties.

While this was fine in the beginning, it became quite apparent that the throng of people who came to see Jesus speak, weren't coming to see Jesus at all. They all wanted to hear Biddy sing his dirty ditties.

Just to give you an example of some, here are a few titles:

'The snake shows Eve he's scared stiff of pussies'
'Mary finds out just what is causing that bulge'
'Jesus asks Mary what happened to hers'
'Jesus finds out that he can do real pole dancing too'

It got so bad, that every time Jesus would make a speech or have a gathering, Biddy would go somewhere else and start singing his dirty ditties and Jesus' audience would follow him instead of listening to, or hanging out with, Jesus.

"I guess you could say that back then that given the choice to party with Biddy or party with Jesus," Dr Halo explained, "is akin to being given the choice of partying with Jim Morrison or partying with Dan Fogelberg today. Hell, who wouldn't want to party with Jim Morrison?"

Jesus was particularly upset with Biddy's drinking and debauchery with all the women.

Dr Halo: "He could never understand why Biddy would want to hang around women who were really dumb because they cut their things off. Jesus would rather just get naked and do things with all the guys."

Jesus finally had it with Biddy and cut him before the last supper, which turned out to be a big mistake. Apparently, Judas had begun to buy into Biddy's dirty ditties and was doing just fine "snagging" pussy on his own by hanging out with Biddy. By getting rid of Biddy, Judas was forced to do the "guy" thing with Jesus and the other eleven disciples, to which he was not real happy about, so Judas betrayed Jesus.

"Could you blame him?" Concluded Dr Halo.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Jesus, Bible

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
83 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more