Just in case you guys were wondering, here are ten ways GUARANTEED to please your significant other. 1- Tell her she's gorgeous, even first thing in the morning when she looks like a puffy eyed war veteran. 2 - Tell her dinner was delicious, even if it was a heap of shit with gravy. Tell her it was lovely. 3 - When you're about to go out, tell her that she looks so ravishiing that you'd r...
10) Bush was confident that history would absolve his actions (and those acting under his authority) that was fully sanctioned by Congress; freely surrendering their Constitutional power to declare war to our nation's Twenty-First Century wartime president. 9) Bush didn't know how to translate the word "Pardon" from Mexican into Texican. 8) Sometime during the "Last Night in the White House...
#10.. A below par performance is considered damn good. #9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers. #8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot. #7... Foursomes are encouraged. #6... You can still make money doing it as a senior. #5... Three times a day is possible. #4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else. #3... If you live...
1. The color drains from people's faces when they see you. 2. Understatement follows you around like it is your shadow. 3. People don't seem to want you in their counties, or near their borders. 4. People cry when they see you in public. 5. People hold up crucifixes when they see you, or point them at your house. 6. A mirror cries when it sees you. 7. An ant appears to tower ove...
Everybody wants to make their life a little better. We've sent out a score of interviewers, and had them talk to blokes wandering around aimlessly in front of our building, and composed a list of the top 10 ways for anyone to make their life better. * Win The Lottery * Marry A Rich Person * Get A Job * Drive A Sports Car * Eat More Oysters * Cure A Major Disease * Change Identity With S...
According to the New York Times, these are the worst selling books of 2008 as listed by their publishers: 15. The Joy Of Sox 14. Winnie's Cooking With Pooh 13. Chicken Shit For The Soil 12. Mr. Toad's Make Love Not Warts 11. Horton Can't Hear Himself Fart 10. Twenty Centuries Of Pope Humor 9. A Proctologist's Guide To Goose Hunting 8. Dealing With Howler Monkeys Near Th...
10. It's "Derby Day" here in wherever, and you can literally feel the tension throughout the city. 9. And it's high, wide, and not at all handsome... goal kick. 8. These two sides are going for it hammer and tongue this afternoon. What entertainment here at wherever. 7. He's an absolutely country mile offside, how the linesman cannot see that is beyond me... 6. And wherever is silence...
(New York-NY) I think it was either Sigmund Freud or any post-rhinoplasty Bat Mitzvah girl from Long Beach (That's Long Island…not California.) who wrote "I am a Jew, and it always seemed to me not only shameful but downright senseless to deny it." And that's my sentiment at Christmas. But, like Freud, I'm not particularly religious. You could call me ultra-Reformed. Or as my friend Jon Braunhut w...
ANN ARBOR, Michigan - One of the nation's leading bookstore chains, 'The You Can't Judge A Book By It's Cover' has just released their yearly Christmas list. THE TOP TEN SELLING BOOKS FOR CHRISTMAS 2008 * Chinese Ceramic Christmas Ornaments and Were They Once Really Edible? * Overweight Individuals Who Eat Christmas Fruit Cakes Through A Straw And Why * The Key To Understanding Key Misun...
Warning: American readers may require the services of a translator! Antelope (v): to run off with your mother's sister. Assassination (n): an arrangement to meet a donkey. Baptist (n): a junior hamburger chef. Basket (n): a short nap in the sun. Circumstantial (n): circumcision on a really big baby. Collonade (n): fizzy enema. Defence (n): something to sit on for people who ca...
French Mime. Wine in a box. Trench Warfare. Scientific Creationism. Ontological proof of the existence of God. Foot binding. Chamberlain's Strategy of Appeasement. Sociology. Spam...
Why are you still single? Possibly because you... 1.Call Grey's Anatomy simply "Grey's" 2.Have entertained the notion that "the Axe Effect" is real 3.Own tie-dyed gym clothes 4. Purchased your dining room set with Marlboro Miles 5. Are only gay when you're drunk 6. Have written poetry inside a Starbucks 7. Wink in a rakish manner each time you tell a joke 8. Have a ferret...
Don't get caught short on the links - here's ten pro-tips for the perfect whizz. 10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 9. Form a loose grip. 8. Keep your head down. 7. Avoid a quick backswing. 6. Stay out of the water. 5. Try not to hit anybody. 4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you. 3. You shouldn't stand directl...
1. Whistle the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amus...
The RMS Queen Elizabeth 2, or QE2, has completed Her final voyage from Southampton to Dubai to become a floating hotel, but, in many ways, She is shrouded in mystery, a veritable undercover camel traipsing through the silent deserts of 'secrecy' on an errand to who-knows-where. To commemorate Her final journey, and to celebrate what is arguably the most distinguished and well-loved battleship i...
SAN ANTONIO, Texas - December 8, 2008, will mark the 28th anniversary of John Lennon's passing. John, Paul, George, and Ringo (the Beatles) still remain the most famous band of all-time. Ten Little Known Facts About John Lennon: 1. He hated t…
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only. 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. I...
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