26 Reasons Why You Might Want to Change the Way You Think

1. The color drains from people's faces when they see you.
2. Understatement follows you around like it is your shadow.
3. People don't seem to want you in their counties, or near their borders.
4. People cry when they see you in public.
5. People hold up crucifixes when they see you, or point them at your house.
6. A mirror cries when it sees you.
7. An ant appears to tower over your self-esteem.
8. You pick up fistfuls of fuck-it frequently.
9. Your me-too fool buddy appears to be your genetic twin.
10. The cops seem to be singling you out.
11. The cops are catching you.
12. People are interested in your look-out, and get-a-way driving capabilities.
13. The courthouse seems to be your second home.
14. You find that your third home is surrounded by double fences, and concertina wire.
15. You are making ninety-four cents a day, and doing real swell.
16. No one believes a word you say, or don't say.
17. Mental health experts salivate at your presence.
18. Drug treatment centers turn off their lights when you approach.
19. People tend to veer off as you approach.
20. Buses pass you by suspiciously.
21. Taxicab companies hang up on you.
22. Your family suddenly develops amnesia about who you are.
23. Your nose hairs are progressing faster than you are.
24. Buzzards are circling over your head.
25. Buzzards have landed on your head.
26. Your credit is so bad that people won't even take cash from you.