100 reasons why you're still Single!

Funny story written by Rusty

Monday, 15 December 2008


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image for 100 reasons why you're still Single!
Reason One: You look like Shit !

Why are you still single? Possibly because you...

1.Call Grey's Anatomy simply "Grey's"

2.Have entertained the notion that "the Axe Effect" is real

3.Own tie-dyed gym clothes

4. Purchased your dining room set with Marlboro Miles

5. Are only gay when you're drunk

6. Have written poetry inside a Starbucks

7. Wink in a rakish manner each time you tell a joke

8. Have a ferret on your shoulder

9. Call sex "the squishy squish"

10. Are Courtney Love

11. Hug amusement park mascots

12. Address acquaintances as "guy"

13. Use emoticons in handwritten letters

14. Own a "It's Not Going to Suck Itself" T-shirt

15. Initiate line dances

16. Have only one pickup line: "Why the long face?"

17. Posed shirtless for your MySpace page

18. Can't stop missing Anna Nicole

19. Scream out Wheel of Fortune answers

20. Call your therapist from work on speakerphone

21. Won't travel anywhere out of "blading distance"

22. Sleep on WWF sheets

23. Begin stories with, "I'm not a stalker, but ..."

24. Snack on Bac-Os

25. Know someone who knows someone who knows the Geico caveman

26. Flash devil horns in wedding photos

27. Eat with one arm guarding your plate

28. Refer to your PDA as a "Crackberry"

29. Have a dartboard in your kitchen

30. Own a calendar featuring babies dressed as cowboys

31. Call October "Rocktober"

32. Keep a dream journal

33. Own slot-machine gloves

34. Are the president of a fan club

35. Weave and distribute friendship bracelets

36. Have a "lucky" garter hanging from your rearview mirror

37. Prefer the "fist bump" when meeting strangers and always insist they "lock it in"

38. Refuse to remove your Bluetooth earpiece during sex

39. Take off work each year to celebrate Cinco de Mayo; are Irish

40. Have a disturbingly high thetan count

41. Display your framed degree from bartending school

42. Have been edited out of several Girls Gone Wild videos

43. Converse with angels

44. Refer to Target as "Tar-Jay"

45. Have ever said: "That's sooo Sagittarius"

46. Feel most comfortable in Tevas and jorts

47. Have a five o'clock shadow, on your ass

48. Wear a "No Spin Zone" windbreaker

49. Cry when you listen to Belle and Sebastian, then, still tearful, blog about it

50. Use an electronic device to smoke pot

51. Call underwear "panties"

52. Have more than zero stuffed animals on your bed

53. Live by two sartorial rules: pleated, stonewashed

54. Display samurai swords in your office

55. Think the energy crisis can be solved with crystals

56. Have ever dressed up as a penis or tampon for Halloween

57. Own a 60-inch flat-screen plasma television but sleep on a broken futon

58. Have taken more than one cell phone picture of your genitals

59. Close all correspondence with "Prayerfully Yours"

60. Consider Maroon 5 sort of "your group"

61. TiVo'd the entire run of Criss Angel Mindfreak

62. Use the word "scrumptious"

63. Have a Tasmanian Devil "tramp stamp"

64. List "Dungeon Master" on your business card

65. Carry an All Things Considered tote bag

66. Wouldn't be the person you are today without Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morrie

67. Subscribe to any massive multiplayer online gaming experience

68. Take advantage of the eight-at-a-time Netflix option

69. Have a rhyming nickname

70. Sold your forehead to goldenpalace.com

71. Have a "LaRouche '08" bumper sticker

72. Have taken a course on improving your oral sex technique

73. Will do anything for "shits and giggles"

74. Collect throwing stars

75. Have a bedside stack of Sudoku books

76. Can only make love to the Mighty Mighty Bosstones

77. Are infamous among your coworkers for your dead-on Baba Booey impression

78. Own all 24 volumes of Now That's What I Call Music!

79. Are O.J. Simpson

80. Have a screensaver of you posing with your Frisbee golf bros

81. Refuse to drink any beer that hasn't been "beechwood aged"

82. Have cellulite on your face

83. Refer to yourself as a "vagitarian"

84. Have a Web shrine devoted to a long- deceased pet

85. Consider riddles a great way to break the ice

86. Purchase meals solely for their tie-in products

87. Get visibly angry during Apple vs. PC debates

88. Are known among your girlfriends as "Heavy Flow"

89. Feel you've found the deeper meaning behind Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light"

90. Own all the Matrix novelizations

91. Raise iguanas

92. Posted your profile on Sean Hannity's "Hannidate"; are black

93. Have a "Peeing Calvin" decal on your hatchback

94. Work at Radar

95. Are learning to play the bagpipes

96. Don't like Insane Clown Posse's music per se, but think their philosophy is sound

97. Phone in long-distance radio dedications

98. Posted a Craigslist "Missed Connections" ad to find the kid who groped you on the subway

99. Believe the mouth is self-cleaning

100. Have had something on your face since the late '90s

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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