Q. Whatever happened to hatpins and pocket pistols? In days past, pussy-pinchers could expect to be pinned to death or given a lethal dose of 'lead poisoning' for the act our President describes so cavalierly. How would we men feel about Nut Grabbing? - Den from Colorado A. Dear Den: Personally, I am opposed to Nut-Grabbing (I believe that it is meant to be hyphenated). Many st...
This is A.P. reporter Aziz Hernandez, speaking to you from on board the carrier USS Potemkin Village, somewhere off the Korean Peninsula, or maybe Australia. I have been embedded with the crew here for two months, and nobody on board seems to know where we are, or where we are going. We get a regular satellite news feed and I saw on Fox News that we were headed towards the Korean Penninsula, but w...
Please excuse my bad English. You most probably are wondering why I am writing to you, after what happened. What I did. Is very hard for man like me to admit, but I made mistake. How you say in American, "Vlad backed wrong horse." Or maybe even better, "Vlad have buyer's regret." Would much rather have you in White House than unpredictable red head. You at least are predictable. But I...
The actor Alec Baldwin held a news conference in the Oval Office yesterday, as he signed one executive order after another. Mr. Baldwin had no difficulty entering the White House yesterday morning, as the security officers all recognized him as...
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan has urged President Trump to resign, according to people close to him. "It is much easier for our members to be the party in opposition than it is to govern," the Speaker reportedly told the President. "As the part...
That's right! You too can be President of the United States of America! It can be surprisingly easy. If you think that you lack the qualifications to be President, because you don't have any experience in government, because you know nothing about foreign affairs, or the economy, or the Constitution, or the environment, or because you have the attention span of a gnat, well think again! None...
Dear Congressman Chaffetz: I just wanted you to know that the day after you spoke out about health insurance for low income Americans, I cancelled my order for a new iPhone 7. Not only that, but I got together with the other tenants in my apartment building, and persuaded them to cancel their orders for new iPhones. And without any further urging from me, they voted to a man to cancel all out...
[President Trump is being interviewed by Charlie Rose on PBS] CR: Mr. President, thank you for being here. T: My pleasure. CR: The New York Times reported today that you've claimed that President Obama tapped your phone. T: That's right. CR: What proof do you have of that? T: How else do you explain it? CR: Explain what? T: The leaks. How do you explain the leaks? Everything that happe...
"Pssst!" Nancy Pelosi peered around the pillar but saw no one. "Pssst! Over here!" She looked again and saw a shadowy figure beckoning her from across the floor of the parking garage. She scuttled over, while holding on to her wig with one hand. "Blackfeather," she said to the man. "What?" "Blackfeather. The password." "Oh." "You're supposed to give the countersign."...
"Bong! Bong! Bong! . . ." The grandfather clock in the foyer of Mar-a-Lago pealed twelve times. The digital clock on the kitchen stove said that it was actually ten past midnight, but the grandfather clock denounced that as fake news and said that the digital clock was a disloyal product of Silicon Valley. "Trump!" a baritone voice boomed out. "Trrrrrump! PRRRRRRESIDENT TRUMP!!!" The Presi...
January 20, 2017. Can't believe the size of the crowd IT'S JUST AWESOME! #impotus January 21, 2017. Media got it wrong again must have been a million people there just ask the security detail #impotus February 22, 2017, Associated Press: "The streets of London were clogged with tens of thousands of people protesting the visit of President Trump." Many many more than that and they were we...
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Dear Charlie. Or is it Charley? I read your book. Well, sort of. I had one of my people read it, and then summarize it for me, and I listened to that for all of 90 seconds, so I think I get what you were trying to say. But I gotta disagree with some of your conclusions. Well, one of them, anyway. You claim that evaluation makes people smarter, because the stupid ones die before they can...
[Associated Press, Washington, D.C.] FBI Director James Comey informed members of Congress this morning that he was expanding his investigation into e-mails, based on materials found on the laptop of disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner.
When I grow up I'm gonna be rich and powerful, and then you'll see, I'll get back at all of you. (Sniff). I'm gonna have lawyers and I'll sue all of you and hurt you real bad. You'll be sorry. (Sniff) Some day I'm gonna grow up and I'm gonna be president, and then you'll be sorry. When I become president I'm gonna have all of you thrown in jail. (Sniff) I'm gonna be the most popular guy and I'...
I never forget a friend. Never. That's what's missing these days - loyalty, that old fashioned virtue. And so I'm going to stand up against the liberal media that is controlled by Crooked Hillary and say that my friend Vlad - my good friend Vlad - had nothing to do with shooting down that Dutch airliner in 2014. All that evidence that supposedly links Russia to that tragedy, it was all co...
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, my fellow Americans: My first year in office has been truly an extraordinary one. Finally, we have freed our nation from the shackles of NATO. With the closing of our bases in Germany and the conversion of our facilities there into luxury hotels and condominiums, we have turned a loss into a profit. The annexation of Latvia, Lithuania and...
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