The Vodka Diet™!

Funny story written by Philip J. Moss

Sunday, 12 February 2017

WELCOME to the website of THE VODKA DIET™! You are the 2nd visitor to this site! We at THE VODKA DIET™ are excited to bring you the information you need to attain a healthy and happy lifestyle!

Are you ready to join the millions of people worldwide who have discovered the benefits of THE VODKA DIET™? Here's how to get started:

First, select your short term and long term goals. For example, your short term goal may be to survive the next four years with no memory of having lived through them. Your long term goal might be to obtain a liver transplant. Use the drop down menu ("Goals") to select other options.

Second, match the type and volume of vodka you will need to your goals, and locate an appropriate supplier. For example, if you prefer to take your vodka straight up, you will want a high end vodka to start with, but after the first few drinks, you can switch to a less expensive product and you won't notice the difference! You may also want to invest in a bulk liquid storage container. For a four year supply you should consider only containers of at least 1000 gallons, although this will vary from individual to individual. Enter your zip code in the search window above to obtain a list of distilleries and purveyors of bulk liquid storage containers near you.

Third, develop a daily menu plan. For example, you may want to start the day with a Bloody Mary, continue with a Sea Breeze at mid-morning and a Salty Dog at noon. To ensure balanced nutrition, choose mixers that are high in vitamins (orange juice, tomato juice, tonic water). You will find a variety of menu plans on the drop down menu ("Menus"), above.

Your safety is important to us at THE VODKA DIET™, so please commit the following to memory, or have them tattooed on your forehead (backwards, of course).

Do not:
Consume vodka on an empty stomach (salty and/or spicy
snacks, such as caviar, marinated mushrooms and herring
are recommended).
Consume vodka while taking medications (unless your
doctor, or someone else's doctor, is drinking with you).
Drive automobiles or operate heavy equipment, such as
the 2S25 tank, the T-84 or the T-90 tanks, or other
armored vehicles. For a complete list, consult Jane's
Armour and Artillery (2016 Ed.)
Consume alcoholic beverages if you are pregnant
(Make sure to avail yourself of the appropriate method of
birth control before you lose consciousness).

Bottoms up!
Warning: Long term and or heavy consumption of alcoholic beverages may cause brain damage, liver damage, blackouts, confusion, bad breath, financial ruin and damage to personal relationships.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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