The makers of sex movies in the United States are in panic mode as their pool of women with hot bodies dries up amidst the country's exploding problem with fat people. "Let's face it, when two thirds of your population is overweight, you're just...
Stop it now. For some reason you dorks really like this band and I'm telling you they're not cool. The fact that they're still around, 40 years after they started, is scary and disappointing, because it means today's young generation of dorks will be downloading them to their iPods just as feverishly as their parents bought their albums, 8-tracks, cassettes, and CDs. Well, I'm telling you to stop...
Apprentice plumber Brianna Chidders of Dexter Plumbing & Heating in Des Moines has outgrown her well-worn work jeans and is now in the market for a new pair. "I've been wearing the same pair for more than a year and It's getting to where I just c...
WASHINGTON--Vice President Joe Biden, revisiting one of the most infamous remarks of his short-lived run for the presidency in 2007, says he's having second thoughts about whether Barack Obama is in fact "clean" for a black guy. "I said back then...
Elegant British super spy and womanizer James Bond is ditching his iconic Savile Row suits and other formal wear to sport a more casual look, an MI6 spokesperson says. "Agent 007 isn't immune to the times," the spokesperson says. "He understands b...
I have been working on a piece of poetry of which I'm more proud than I usually am. It is of a subject about which I know as intimately as I know the feeling of jacquard silk against my chapel hat pegs: le perverti dans la bibliothèque, or what you might call "the creep in the library." My inspiration: Herman Blowhole. I have not been able to go to the library for months without Mr. Blowhole le...
OK, let's come to order. We have a full agenda tonight and I have to be out of here in an hour to get ready for my date with the senator. He's taking me to the French embassy for a Franco-American appreciation wine and cheese party and I've let the National Enquirer know about it but I doubt they'll send anyone. The guy's a backbencher who'll probably not run for reelection next year, so who cares...
I know I can get you riled up by taking my clothes off, one silky piece at a time, slowly but with a purpose. Now I'd like to see you get hot and bothered while I put them back on. Because I spent a long time picking out these clothes. I didn't just go to Macy's and grab the first thing that fit me; I looked at hundreds of pieces, in several different departments, before I found just what to take...
After listening to music cranked on his iPod regularly for four years, John Stevens has suffered irreparable hearing loss and he contends Apple and its iconic music player are to blame. "Apple and its iPod player made listening to music wherever,...
RIYADH PROVINCE, Saudi Arabia--In this arid part of the Desert Kingdom lives Ghaniyah Hisen, whose name means "beautiful," but apparently Arab men haven't read the memo, because the woman has gone without a man her entire 54 years. "Would it kil...
RIDER, Texas-A 24-year-old woman whose rear men have been complimenting for years said today that she thinks the men are right. "You know, I looked at myself in the mirror today and I had to conclude that all these men aren't just giving me some...
WASHINGTON, D.C.--A gun rights activist who thinks anyone who favors gun control of any type is a "socialist elitist who hates America" accidentally shot off his nose yesterday while at a rally here celebrating the second part of the Second Amendment...
ATLANTA---The U.S. Patent Office today firmly rejected an application from Hooters of America, Inc., based here, to extend patent protection to its signature orange shorts. "After careful deliberation, we have determined that Hooters of America,...
RINGSIDE, Ky.-A "good girl" who only let herself get out of contol once in her life was mortified to discover that her single act of rebellion was captured on video by someone's phone or other handheld device and posted for everyone to see. "I-I'm...
The use of violence as political communication by al-Qaeda, the terrorist group responsible for the September 11 attacks on the United States, is "nothing to write home about," says messaging expert Franklin Symms. The rogue band of Islamic dis...
Mom and Dad always said I wouldn't amount to anything, but wait until they hear that yours truly was named the winner of the Punta Cana Spring Break "Wild Girl" Stripper Contest! Believe me, this wasn't a cake walk. No fewer than 70 girls competed to see who could take off their clothes in the most alluring manner and then parade themselves around in as many different ways as possible. When you co...
I've had it up to here with the way you have kids in this world. You'd think by now we could come up with a way to get a family without having to bring into the picture a lazy slob who wants to sit in front of the TV all day and make comments about even bigger slobs who wear tights and slap each other around on the rear. I mean, that's the kind of thing you have to put up with just to bring into e...
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