Written by Olive Pepper

Saturday, 28 August 2010

Mom and Dad always said I wouldn't amount to anything, but wait until they hear that yours truly was named the winner of the Punta Cana Spring Break "Wild Girl" Stripper Contest! Believe me, this wasn't a cake walk. No fewer than 70 girls competed to see who could take off their clothes in the most alluring manner and then parade themselves around in as many different ways as possible. When you consider that one of the entrants went so far as to yank down the shorts of one of the judges and then make a ribald gesture in front of what must have been 500 people then you can understand what it took to win this thing. Yet here I am, the "loser" Mom and Dad are always complaining about coming out on top!

And to think Dad didn't even want me to come here for spring break! "All they do is get drunk and do things they later regret!" he said.

Well, who'll be doing the regretting once he hears that his little girl not only knows how to do "alluring" right but also has no equal when it comes to parading herself around!

"Can't do anything right?" I think there are some things I can do right, as long as it involves removing my bathing suit in front of a beach full of drunk guys who would love to take turns jumping my bones if there weren't a bunch of security guys around to keep order.

One thing I can say for sure, my older sister-the "smart one"-would never even get past the first round in this competition. Ms. Smarty Pants might have a full scholarship to some Ivy League university but it would be a joke to watch her try to give guys a hard-on by the way she wiggled out of her bathing suit. And since she's lacking a little in the boob department, there would be no way guys would start hootin' and hollerin' and telling her to "go all the way" when she started teasing them about taking off her top.

No, getting guys all worked up the way I did is something not just any girl can do. It takes a lot of subtlety, because if you just fling your top off you're left with nothing else to do. So, you have to pretend you're going to fling it off, but then you have to stop and wait for the guys to start hootin' and hollerin'. Then you have to do it again.

But that's something "the good one" would never know about, because she's too busy sifting through all the job offers that are just waiting for her once she graduates tops in her class and Mom and Dad once more talk about her to all their friends with that pride in their voices.

I wonder if Dad will get that gleam of satisfaction in his eyes when he talks to his friends about how his other little girl might be flunking out of college but there's one thing she's getting an "A" in, and that's knowing how to wear-and take off-beach attire. Yes, that's what I'm a scholar in: getting guys hot and bothered before they pass out from too much to drink and wake up with a killer headache and wondering if someone stole their wallet or if they really pissed away that much money.

No, it would be nice to think Mom and Dad would be proud of me for coming out on top in my "field of study," but I doubt they would appreciate all of the work I put into this thing, like trying on all those different bathing suits before finally settling on the red, white, and blue one that tells people "I'm just an all-American girl who just likes to have fun with all-American guys like you."

Well, they can once again fail to appreciate what I've accomplished. It doesn't matter to me. I don't try to accomplish things for them anyway; I only try to accomplish things for myself. But tonight, if I end up winning the "Get a New Tattoo" contest, it'll be awfully hard for them to ignore all the success I'm having down here. Winning one competition is one thing, but to come away with two championships-that's something they'll take notice of, I'm betting!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more