A four year old boy is in intensive care today after a five hour operation to restore his brain back into his head. The boy's mother told us, "I kept telling him not to pick his nose because his brain will fall out, but he wouldn't listen!" Dr...
This week, 24 hour world news coverage has been depicting London as a huge flaming crater after a devastating meteor impact. But when humanitarian aid arrived in London today at a cost of £300,000,000,000.97 everything seemed fine with no evidenc...
Why am I angry? If you ask yourself this question, have a think - could you have recently been exposed to the 'bad' number? Remember when Sudoku was all the rage a few years back? Notice now how it's all not the rage? In 2005 a government research team found that people who played excessive Sudoku on their morning train commute were subjected to prolonged exposure to the 'bad' number;...
In France, an Algerian man (34, Algerian) has been held under the French terror directive; normally used for Algerians suspected of being nuclear scientists. The French Interior minister made a statement, "He's been accused of being in possession...
That's what the people of Earth are screaming today as fifteen huge round hot things are heading straight for us from the depths of space! The population of Earth piss in their pants at the prospect of being squished into the galactic equivalent...
A new report has shown that children who begin learning at age 4 are more likely to commit crime. A study involving 500 children running over 20 years found that all children who began school at 4 years old committed more crime than those who were...
Titusville, Florida. Water park tycoon Chester Draws rues the day he chose his famous catch phrase after being shot by business partner John Dodge last week during the opening of the largest water chute in history; it's 3Km high. Photographer Car...
A woman from Devon tells the story of Mr Horse the helpful horse from Derbyshire. Mrs Mabel Able (45, widow) ran into problems when one of the wheels of her car fell off whilst driving through the Derbyshire moors. "The car began to swerve and...
I have learned that the new Michael Jackson song has been completed using Jackson's actual vocal cords transplanted into a monkey who was born with none. Jackson's post mortem management agent told me, "Jackson's wish was that the monkey be allowe...
A Surrey man was taken to hospital today with a fractured skull brought on by Sudden Acute Embarrassment, or SAE. He had used a napkin to blown his nose earlier in the day where the nasal discharge was deflected onto his clothes. "It's really...
A new planet was found in a man's sock today. It's called Plastron. It's red with some greenish spots on it; the planet not the sock. The sock is a greenish colour, probably used to be black but washed too many times and is faded. It was found in...
Are you familiar with the UK's legal requirement to masturbate at work? That's not surprising. Out of 100 people asked the same question, everyone said 'No'. Also 30 people asked me if I was taking the piss and 12 threatened to beat me up. 3 People actually did beat me up. The 1946 UK Masturbation at Work directive In the mid 1940's it was calculated that masturbation in men accounted for...
The remains of missing UK hippy tree hugger Lesley Mandleson has been found today in the Amazon rainforest where he was attempting fend to off illegal logging by tying himself to trees. Rescue worker Fidel Ramerez said, "Ok, this guy (26, beard) w...
A top secret Government memo detailing the locations of London's secret nuclear weapons arsenal has been found on a school bus in Southwark. The weapons are apparently live and ready to launch within two minutes from just one phone call from the P...
The Leaders of the big three political parties have been challenged to a series of live televised mass debates by the UK news media. The BBC News, ITN and BeSkyBiscuits interrupted programmes every thirty seconds with the challenge. BBC News N...
Since grossly over estimating 200 million swine flu deaths in the UK alone this year, the UK Government is issuing new guidelines to prove their predictions correct by causing an up surge in new cases. Published today, the following recommendation...
Recent graphic pictures of UK "The Hoover" Broadband snorting cocaine have sparked outrage from the Internet community and a recent report has shown that he'll not be able to service the UK for much longer. Partying every night is taking its toll...
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