Work Ethics: A brief history of masterbation at work

Funny story written by Frank Miller

Tuesday, 6 October 2009


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This is squirty cream. You can see the connection right?

Are you familiar with the UK's legal requirement to masturbate at work?

That's not surprising. Out of 100 people asked the same question, everyone said 'No'. Also 30 people asked me if I was taking the piss and 12 threatened to beat me up. 3 People actually did beat me up.

The 1946 UK Masturbation at Work directive
In the mid 1940's it was calculated that masturbation in men accounted for over 70 percent of lateness in the workplace which was killing the post war recovery.

Professor John Thomas, author of 'Wanking for pleasure: a dangerous game of Russian roulette?' remembers it well, "Men who had a quick one before work were costing the British economy billions of pounds every week, and that's not complete and utter bullshit.

"The idea was if the male population stopped their morning masturbatory practices everyone would get to work on time and the economy would be saved. So the beginning of a 1 year study of male slappy chappy practises began."

The study, completed in 1947 led the Government to pass a law in 1948; The UK directive we have today.

Men were not permitted to masterbate between the hours of 0600 and 0900. These directives were mandatory and policed by detection units using RADAR.

But many UK factories felt that the directive caused more problems than it solved.

What the fuck?!
1940's Millionaire Clarence Sweetner (mass producer of post war tank tops) said at the time, "This is absolute bullshit! These rules will only push masterbation into factory toilets. This can't happen, we can't have people masterbating on company time! What the fuck?!"

Thomas provided the solution, "Simply make your workforce clock in and out when having their masterbation breaks. Those who didn't masterbate were given free cigarettes instead." This was the origin of the cigarette breaks we have today.

Of course, the directives are rarely enforced because masterbation isn't addictive like Nicotine. And there are more important things happening in the world other than people knocking one out in the morning. But you should always check a new work contract before signing; that's a free tip.

So if you fancy bashing one out at work today, go right ahead; it's the law!

Frank Miller (I'm a twice a day man)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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