When pointless breast carriage mechanism Katie Price left the Celebrity Jungle camp saying: "I am going home. I miss my kids so much," we here at the Cycle thought just for a moment that her execrable performance and the overwhelming opprobium of the...
The British public finally made a sensible decision tonight and voted out Louis Walsh's haemmorhoid strokers Jedward. Sadly this move means that Walsh will now need reconstructive surgery since the prize tits he has been flashing on the show for t...
Britain's least favourite vapid waste of skin and atrocious role model Katie Price aka Jordan , could be on the verge of quitting I am a fading Celebrity "and I'm trying to rescue the last vestiges of my career in one desperate attempt at debasement,...
If you, like many thousands of other mentally retarded TV viewers thought that Scrotal lesions John and Edward gave their best performance "ever" on last Saturday's fi-X Factor, then stand by to be SHOCKED to your very core. It may not have been t...
A massive row has broken out after an Essex Labour candidate "need we say any more ?" called the Queen a "parasite" and likened her to "vermin". Peter White, or Comrade "oh" Shite as he is now known in Labour circles, used the arsebook networking...
Men with massive hair and the 1975 Harlem Globetrotters' team are in uproar tonight after Titanic haired crooner Jamie Afro was booted off the Fix Factor. Jamie Afro a Pub-Rocker and a self-confessed fan of Head and Shoulders lost out to sheep-bot...
Beleaguered Pop Svengali Simon Cowell is still reeling this weekend following the titanic outpouring of righteous indignation from the great British Public about his "Fix" Factor decisions. Cowell, 87, actually attempted to apologise in last night...
Comrade General Brown, Prime Minister of the Peoples' Republic of the UK and fervent republican supporter attended Berlin this week to celebrate the collapse of a vicious, repressive Marxist regime, which collapsed as the East German Communist econom...
Gordon "as popular as Idi Amin" Brown has announced a new vote-grabbing idea to try to rescue his flagging image. Brown, reeling after the James/Janes scandal and the much publicised Super Soaraway "Stun" expose of his atrocious child-like handwri...
Internal Investigators from London's Met Police are in uproar today after claims surfaced in the press that a firearms officer from the force's elite CO19 team had been sending saucy texts of his weapon to young ladies he met on the internet. The...
The British Security Service is investigating hysterical reports on the interweb suggesting that Al Qaeda are responsible for the Jedward phenomenon. The rumours started at the weekend after high-waisted c*ck muncher Simon Cowell blatantly rigged...
As predicted last week, the X Factor has proved to be more insidious than Hitler, and has sparked a new European War. Jones the Steam the secretive leader of the Welsh National Liberation Army "The Viet Taff" has announced that with the demise of...
Louis Walsh, loveable pervert and all round Irish gem shocked the world of entertainment today when his dementia finally revealed itself in a Hiroshima-sized hissy fit. Walsh, 78, a former catholic priest and a current lover of young boy band Jedw...
Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness have shocked the world of UK politics today by calling on the breakaway factions of the Provisional IRA to lay down their weapons and support partition from Southern Ireland. In a shock move, the former rabid repu...
Cressida Camel-Toe our Gossip Columnist reports: Well Dahlings, If you needed a reason to anticipate 2010 then you have one now, vacuous breast hanger Jordan has revealed her New Year's resolution to this publication. What will it be you gasp ? Well you guessed it, in a statement through her publicist Max C*nt she's claimed that she's going to stop moaning on and on about Muscle-bound An...
Prime Minister Gordon Brown spoke as "da hood" was in mourning tonight after the shock success of those twin shits, who are believed to be more stubborn to remove than Cockroaches after a Nuclear strike, who ousted fan favourite Rachel in tonight's r...
Scientists across the UK are investigating massive seismic shifts which occurred some 80 minutes into tonight's X Factor. The earth tremors seemed to emanate from North London, and were accompanied by a pained droning scream. Dr Felch McRimmer...
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