Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, a stunningly athletic Olympic gymnastics gold medallist and three time World Ker-Plunk champion, today shocked friends, family, neighbours, the media, and former boxing champion, Ricky Hatton, by declaring to the world...
It's Christmas, and despite the economic crisis, Britons are pulling together and doing what they do best - sitting on their fat arses (the biggest in Europe) and watching TV. So what programmes are the most popular during this festive period? We did a survey to find out. The most watched TV show was "When Sharks Attack at Christmas", a graphic documentary about the dangers of swimming near...
The increase in the price of this year's Christmas dinner is expected to result in a sharp rise in the number of instances of illegal cross-border turkey trafficking, according to animal rights groups. The Office of National Statistics (ONS) repor...
A man was arrested in connection with 11 huggings in York. The 65-year-old pensioner would allegedly target elderly women who were walking along the street alone. "I was desperately skint and I needed the money. But I don't like robbing or thie...
The Surrey coastguard were called to the Tesbury's Supermarket in Dorking yesterday to rescue Ashley Darr, a local resident, trapped in the vegetable isle. "It was terrible," said Celia North, manager of the store. "There were hundreds of people j...
Well dear reader, another year has rolled over us like a Mac Truck driven by a hairy Swedish lesbian! The earth has spun on its axis taking us from horn-bags in bikinis to horn-bags in winter jumpsuits and then back again. Sitting at the local the other day, I was spit balling with my mates what Christmas at the Lodge would be like. I can picture Julia Gillard sitting in the dining room starin...
The Comparisons between Santa and David Cameron 1. When the poor ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal, with Cameron, it's impossible. 2. Santa seldom answers the poor's you email, Cameron never answers the poor's emails. 3. Santa seldom answers the poor's mail, Cameron never answers the poor's mail. 4. Santa gets all the stuff he's got from k...
A Pennsylvania woman police have charged with heisting an 80-pound plaster-of-Paris Baby Jesus statuette reportedly has no remorse for her alleged actions. The hefty figurine was filched from its cradle in a nativity display in a strip mall in Virgi...
HOLLYWOOD - Every Christmas season all of the networks schedule dozens and dozens of holiday themed shows, old time Christmas movies, and oodles of seasonal cartoons geared to holly jolly olde St. Nick and the other cast of Christmasy folks. This...
Sung to the tune of "God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen" God rest Merry Kardashians On Christmas we must say, You sound like four old cackling hens In constant disarray. Reality TV was great, Till you became cliché. Butt implants, Botox and breasts deployed. We jumped for joy. Oh, butt implants, Botox and breasts deployed. Momma Kris is family pimp "Their pictures for a price" The...
Many mums don't enjoy visiting their grown-up children's homes for Christmas because they believe they could do a better job. Fourteen per cent say they get bored and a similar number feel annoyed at not being allowed to help in the kitchen. Th...
I've much to be glad for, like my personal assistants Julian and Lucien, Ffion the Mrs, and Wilberforce, my cosmetic beautician, My overseas investments in Germany, Saudi Arabia and the Aleutian, And the fact that I'm a billionaire politician! Now Christmas approaches, time to share and give to the poor, That's what they say, but I think that idea is a bore, The proletariat masses, drunken...
Despite having considerably less to do than ever before, Harriet Harman has rather breathlessly published her now annual Early Winter Warning to Britons, reminding them that what seems like a melodic tribute to the slyly called 'Festive Season', is i...
With Christmas fast approaching, news reaches us that Simon Cowell and his merry band of brown nosers are not the only ones off on an annual winter break this year. After many years of loyal service, Sir Bruce Forsythe's wig, Stanley, is off on a...
Filing an insect nuisance report with the New York Department of Adult Entertainment Licensing and Insect Eradication, a man who had first said his name was Pike Marker, claims that his entire apartment complex is "wovered cith humbugs", apparently j...
North Pole lawyers were busy this week at the Elf County Courthouse, trying to arrange bail and some time sensitive freedom for Dasher, Blitzen and Vixen, three of Santa's primary reindeer team. Judge Judy Friesfrost denied an early release based on...
Some of this years biggest selling Christmas season toys include The LeapFrog LeapPad Explorer Tablet, The Lalaloopsy Silly Hair Doll, The Trash Pack Trashies Garbage Truck, Crayola Crayon Makers, Monster High Dolls, Nerf Vortex Nitron Blaster, and Transformers Dark of the Moon Ultimate Optimus Prime But on the other side of the coin are Christmas toys that no one is purchasing. The highly re...
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