The discovery that soaring numbers of elderly people are being treated on the NHS for alcohol related illnesses has led to calls for a ban on the sale of alcohol to over-65s. "It's disgraceful that large numbers of OAPs are consuming vast amounts...
Scotland could soon be deserted following the announcement by their government to raise the price of alcohol. Fears that the national pastime of drinking and fighting might become obsolete has forced action. Protesters and alcoholics marched over the...
GLASGOW, Scotland - Scottish sots held a drive-a-thong to cut sots alcohol abuse. Drinking, scantily-clad, driving ministers screamed that action was needed to reform the Scottish drinking culture, as they careened by, honking, belching and weaving.
A national monument to the Queen Mother is due to be opened by the Queen, the Buckingham Gin Palace distillery. Three generations of the Royal family will join Her Majesty for the ceremony in London, and it has been funded by the sale of £5 no-deposi...
Scotland has decided to adopt radical new alcohol prohibition laws. Under the scheme it will become illegal to serve, sell or drink alcohol anywhere in Scotland apart from on New Year's Eve. The new laws, which come into effect on May 1st 2009, wil...
A man wearing a tie-dyed ski mask with the words "Martin Willoughby" printed on the back entered the wrong bank yesterday, apparently confused after several hours of doing shots with some buds. All went well as he quietly entered the bank, his ski...
A horse named Norman who regularly propped up the bar at a trendy London pub has been barred by a landlady worried about her new carpets. The thoroughbred used to enjoy a pint of John Smiths bitter and a packet of pickled onion crisps alongside ow...
In a refreshing break from the barrage of the aggressive hard sell tactics so common during the holiday season, one beer company took time out this Sunday afternoon to urge responsibility for those who drink their beer and step behind the wheel of a...
In a complete about face, unusual in politics, the Chancellor, Alistair Darling yesterday urged the nation, "Go on!, Get back on the Fags and Booze!" Worried by a huge fall in revenue and the need to top up the tax coffers, the gov't has overuled...
London/ Mortuary Times - Reacting to a recent upturn in the forcible removal of livers from unsuspecting UK tourists, PM Gordon Brown was forced to act. The PM had been accused of turning "a blind eye" to the problem, but official complaints from the...
Dearest Madame Bitters, I have had a weight problem my whole life and right now I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I've tried dieting and exercising but the pounds won't budge. Please help me, I'm desperate. -Fat & Frustrated in MS Fat & Frustrated: Normally I don't answer questions about diet and weight related issues and it's not because I don't know what I'm talking about. I...
The World Health Organisation has announced plans to have health warnings placed on the packaging of 'high risk' foods. The move comes in an effort to combat the worldwide 'Epidemics' of Diabetes and Heart disease. The campaign will be similar...
OK, you've been ejected from the nightclub, been kicked out of the kebab shop for trying to pick a fight with an antique space invaders machine, the police have kerb-crawled you all the way home to keep you out of further trouble (didn't offer you a lift though, did they? the bastards!). After the 23rd attempt, you finally succeeded in getting your key into the lock, leaving numerous ugly faile...
Scientists have discovered recently that inebriation, or getting shitfaced, is a by product of drinking too much alcohol based liquid. What many people have known for thousands of years, including Gordon Brown, scientists have only just confirmed...
MPs today approved a move to ban "Happy hours" in pubs, bars and school canteens all over England and Wales today. A counter strategy called the "unhappy hour" was introduced. In the "unhappy" hour drinkers will be charged 15 times the usual pric...
David Cameron has placed the blame of alcohol fuelled violence squarely at the door of Number 10 Downing Street. With estimates of 80% of violent crime committed by drunks, Cameron has blamed the current Government's policy of 24 hour drinking, and n...
Bloomington resident Jethro "shot glass" Purvis used to drink a bottle of whiskey every morning at six, followed by a peaceful drive in his green and rust colored '89 Oldsmobile. Most of his drives were in rural areas at a slow speed. Now he can o...
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