Venezuela has instituted a series of emergency laws in the face of the national toilet paper shortage. Besides ordering the Venezuelan Army to assume control of the only toilet paper factory in the country, President Nicolas Maduro has ruled that no...
One: Ugghhh! Two: Oooooofff! Three: Aaarrgh! Four: Yuccccchhhh! Five: Grrrmmmppp! Six: Are you alright? Seven: Help! Eight: Where's the AED? Nine: Anyone know CPR, goddammit! Ten: Hello, 911? Meanwhile, there is a certain gym culture that needs to be abolished. Cleaning the equipment...
It has finally been discovered exactly why the French Government is so upset about the NSA surveillance imbroglio. This scandal has reached a level that, according to White House insiders, President Obama is hoping for some disaster he can attend s...
10. Charles De Gaulle is alive and well working as a sous-chef in an Avignon bistro. 9. Napoleon isn't really buried in that porphyry sarcophagus in Les Invalides. It's Jim Morrison 8. The ratio of mistresses to ministers is 10:1. 7. The "yellow streak" on the back of the typical French soldier is 112.8 cm. wide. 6. 87.5% of the French cabinet are bedding the same mistress. Howe...
Professor Jacqueline Toujours, Dean of the School of Sports Medicine and Automobile Repair at Toulouse, France has issued a press release declaring that jockstraps in male athletes impede fertility and contribute to the phenomenon of "ball drop" in l...
Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI has announced from the balcony of Castel Gandolfo the excommunication of Pope Francis. The announcement occurred on Holy Saturday and it was followed by the mandate that the newly-installed Pontiff vacate the Vatican S...
According to confidential sources within the Vatican Curia, Pope Francis has served an eviction notice on Pope Emeritus Benedict. The former pope has one week from Easter Sunday to vacate Castel Gandolfo or answer to the Italian courts. The act...
In the wake of Hugo Chavez' wake, elements of North Korea's crack "Stealth Invasion Force" or SIF has established a beachhead on the Venezuelan coast outside of the capital city, Caracas. It is estimated that approximately 700 SIF combatants have...
The White House has announced this evening that Ambassador-At-Large Dennis Rodman will represent President Obama at Hugo Chavez' funeral. It is rumored that Chavez was a huge admirer of the basketball diplomat and that his last words were, "Denn...
Dennis Rodman and Kim Jung Un have decided to offer themselves up to President Barack Obama as the best way to facilitate a detente between the Democrats and Republicans in Congress. According to a Pyong Penh media report, the basketball near-grea...
Specimens of the Duchess of Cambridge's (formerly Kate Middleton) vomitus have been smuggled out of hospital and are now finding their way onto the eBay auction website. Princess Catharine has been recently hospitalised due to extreme hyperemesi...
Law enforcement has finally identified the anonymous canine that was involved in the bizarre bestiality-homicide case that has rocked the underpinnings of British high society. It was only a few short weeks ago that Scotland Yard arrested the proc...
Yale Professor of Ancient Religions, Salvatore Crocifisso, disputes the translation of the newly-discovered Coptic text claiming that Jesus had a wife. The professor made his announcement yesterday at the Yale University's Student Union and Car Wash...
Time: 32 CE Place: On a hillside in Judea Judas Peter! Peter Hi, Judas. Problem? Judas Where have you been? Peter What do you mean? Judas What do you mean what do I mean? Where were you? Peter Oh, here and there. Judas Don't be so disingenuous with me, Peter. Remember, I knew you when you were just Simon. Peter OK…OK…. I was with the in-laws. So, crucify me.
Act One Mitchum Mr. Thwaite? Mr. Thwaite? Thwaite Yeah…What is it? Mitchum You OK, Mr. Thwaite? Thwaite I ain't bloody dead yet, mate. Mitchum I wasn't suggesting that… Thwaite Oh, I'm sure you weren't, mate. However, your verbal demeanor had a bit of anticipatory delight there. Mitchum How's that, Mr. Thwaite? Thwaite You were hoping that I cashed in and you co...
In Stockholm, Sweden, the Committee of Five has unanimously voted to award the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize to Pussy Riot. The Russian All-Girl Singing Troika has recently been condemned to two years hard labor in a Russian gulag for uttering blasphemous...
Just as quickly as it was announced that Paul Ryan was to be the Republican choice for Vice-President, he announced that it was his sad duty to withdraw his selection. About ten minutes after both Romney and Ryan spoke in front of the USS Wisconsi...
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