Tom Cruise - My Fake Diary

Saturday, 6 September 2008

8.00 Straight out of bed today for a busy day. Pastor Gonzo from the Planet Zog is visiting to give us an update on how things are going for L Ron now that he has died and gone to another place.

9.00 Wife joins me for breakfast. Got the orange crate out to give her a good morning kiss.

10.00 John phones (that's the famous actor John Travolta who starred in movies) to ask what time the meeting is, as he has to find somewhere on the mall to park his 747

11.00 Had an anonymous phone call from someone. Don't know who. She shouted down the phone that I was a "stupid little cult", or at least that's what I think she called me. I am sick of telling people that just because we brainwash people, take shedloads of money from them and believe in little green men from outer space, this doesn't mean we're not an established religion like Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Bhuddism or the Shopping Channel.

12.00 A light vegetarian lunch of friend mushrooms in a pistachio sauce with sauted cinnamon sticks.

13.00 Off to meet John who has parked up his 747 in the Publix car park on 4th Avenue.

15.00 Pastor Gonzo, who is a very frugal and deeply religious man, arrives in his gold-plated Maybach.

17.00 Arrive at our headquarters to prepare for the Pastor's speech to the masses tonight.

18.30 A nice dinner from the local French restaurant Quen Tuckie Frite Poulet.

20.00 Brilliant speech by the Pastor about the importance of people taking their wallets out and putting green-coloured paper with pictures of various American Presidents on the plate. Brilliant. Brilliant.

23.00 Just time to get the orange crate out to give the wife a goodnight kiss before bed. We were going to make love, but the last time I intimately lay on her, and I am not for one moment conceding I might be height-challenged - but she nearly poked my eye out with her nipple.

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