The Pope - My Fake Diary

Thursday, 23 October 2008

6.00 Oy Vay! What a day! I ask you? Thought about the day for a moment, then gave Mrs Pope a nudge to stop her snoring, and turned over to grab a few extra zzzzz's before the toil of the day.

6.01 Sat bolt upright. Just realised I'm not married, or even engaged. Who is this woman in the Papal Bed?

6.02 Just about to kick her out of bed when a hand starts fondling my Papal Nuncio, who himself stands to attention in greeting. My mind goes back to the last time something like this happened. It was decades ago, behind the bike shed at school. I was but a lad, and Father O'Boils was but a future prison inmate.

6.05 Really must get up for breakfast before something I might regret happens. Rush into Papal Bathroom for a shower.

6.15 A quick Hail Mary before breakfast. I just have my usual light breakfast - some cornflakes, weetabix, toast, bacon, egg, tomatoes, hash-browns, mushrooms, sausages, steak, beans, juice, chops, muffins, teacakes, scones and tea. Oh, and some crumpet, although I thought I'd already told that mysterious woman in my bed to get back to the nunnery.

7.00 Out onto the balcony to lead the public in prayer. Actually, I just go out there to check that the cleaner has cleaned properly. I'm really sick to death of paying people for a service they fail to carry out. And I do like my balconies spick and span.

9.00 I'm bloody knackered, and I've only been up 3 hours.

10.00 Take a cigar, small whiskey and a copy of either Loaded or Nuts into the private ante-room. Was going to watch Jeremy Kyle, but remembered that the Papal Secretary cancelled the Sky Direct Debit when we changed bank account. Put feet up for a few mins.

1.00 Blimey, nearly missed lunch. Have been asleep for 3 hours, dreaming of dinner. Must go and get dusted down. The Prime Minister of some country or other is paying a visit.

1.06 Grabbed a small club sandwich on the way to getting changed. 8 slices of bread with a mixture of beef, chicken, lox, ham, cheese, salad (not too much salad though - don't want to spoil my appetite for dinner), gravelax, cottage cheese (for health reasons), potato salad, coleslaw and only a small dab of butter, as I don't want to overdo the saturates.

1.30 Prime Minister arrives. Sit there agreeing with everything he says, although can't understand a word he or his interpreter is saying. Tea and cakes (just a couple of muffins, aome fruitcake, madeira, scones, and some exceedingly good Kiplings. Must remember to ask the Papal Chef what Kiplings really are, as they seem to taste like a car wash flannel dusted with sugar).

5.00 The Prime Minister has gone. Haven't a foggy clue what that was all about. He kissed my ring and went. My Chief Secretary, Cardinal Nancy Boyz always laughs when I say someone "kissed my ring". Don't quite know why.

8.00 Dinner at last. Have hardly eaten a thing all day.

10.00 Catch up with the News at Ten

11.00 Bed. Just check I'm alone, then turn over and off to sleep.

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