The Pope - My Fake Diary

Thursday, 19 February 2009

Dear Diary,

This week I got a visit from Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker of the House of Representatives in the U.S. I'd like nothing more than to put her in a nun's habit and strap her on The Rack, but Monsignor Rafferty reminds me that we haven't been allowed to do that since the 1600s...

Anyway, she shows up looking like she just visited a Botox factory. She doesn't kiss the ring and she starts talking to me like she's my equal. So I just sit there with a beatific look on my face, occasionally pretending to lean over to an aide, muttering in German.

After about 10 minutes of her yakking non-stop I raise my hand and beckon her to lean in closer. She does, and I get a pretty good look at her puppies. Not bad for an old bag.

I ask her, "how many abortions have you personally had?" She looks at me like I just kicked her in the cajones. "Excuse me?" she asks.

"Smile for the camera," I say, turning to Brother Gallipoli, the official Vatican photographer. While we're sitting there, cheek-to-cheek, smiling for the photos, I whisper, "You and your lesbian pals are going to hell."

And she has to just sit there and TAKE IT!

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