The Pope - My Fake Diary

Thursday, 12 February 2009

Who iss der schwarzer Mustapha Kamir? Gott in Himmel! I hear today zat he vill be der new Gott! Diese arbeit ist meinen!!

Note for self - Give up the German thing.

Years! Years I have worked my way up, kissing Cardinal's rings. Finally, I get the top job, well, almost top. There I am, sat in the Big Chair in the Vatican, big old cigar, cognac at hand, wondering if promotion is a possibility, you know, should the Big Man decide to step down.

And Lo and Behold, He does just that! But who does He pick to replace Him? Mustapha Kamir? Who?????

I had some of my Opus Dei guys take a look. Apparently, he's a bit of a ne'er-do-well from somewhere called Barnsley, in England. How can that be? It's not even Catholic! And Mustapha? Well, I don't want to do a 'Carol Thatcher' here but, Mustapha isn't the first name that springs to mind, standing at the baptismal font and trying to pick out the name of your favourite saint now is it?

Perhaps we were wrong! Perhaps all that Crusade malarkey was a mistake.... Blimey!

How does it go? Um..... Allah Akhbar. (Best be on the safe side eh!)