Santa Claus - My Fake Diary

Friday, 29 December 2006

Note: This diary article was found in the bin of "Santa Claus" on the 29th of December, 2006. The original date of the article appeared to be the 20th, but we guess Santa doesn't take out his garbage often...

Dear diary,

What the hell is going on? I went to the mall today to find a little somethin' for Mrs. Claus, and things escalated into a brawl! Anyway, I'll give you a rundown of what happened while I take a sip of this god-awful Egg Nogg (Double-G, for the true Gangsta inside of me. Hey, that rhymed!). The Mrs. doesn't like it if I diss her Pimp Juice, yo.

For confidentiality purposes, I went dressed under my non-Santa identity... Tim Allen. I didn't want any more toddlers comin' up to me and urinating on my leg, especially on my day off!

... Well, one of my days off.

As always, I couldn't take the slay, so it was public transport for Santa. And as always, it was a bitch. I won't go in-depth on that. I went into the mall and it was packed! A big guy like myself needs his space, yet I didn't any! Horrible stuff, I just wanted to get Mrs. Claus a sweater or something and then get outta' there!

As I was about to walk into my favorite Salvation Army thrift store, I was approached by a man who asked me if I had a light. Clearly with my weight I'm not going to be one to smoke, and in my irritated mood, I simply shook my head and continued walking.

"Thanks for nothing, Asshole..." - Man presumably with lung cancer.

Now, I know I didn't even look at the guy, but I'm sure I didn't deserve that! It was time for S-Dawg to get up in this bustaz grill.

"Hey yo, scruff dawg, you want a piece of 'dis you son of a..." - Me before I turn around...

You're probably expecting a 250 pound body-builder standing behind me, right? Wrong... Get this, it was a guy... Dressed up exactly like me on the 25th!

I'm irate now, this is identity fraud! Where are the fuzz when you need them!? I walk up to this guy and give him a piece of my handy-man-like mind!

"What's the deal, buddy!? Tryna' dress up like me! How dare you! You don't even have a real beard!" - Me, obviously.

"What are you on about, man? I got this gig back in March! If you wanna' be Santa, you go somewhere else and get a job there. Haha, I'm sure the North Pole are looking for one, haha.

Ahh, we had a comedian on our hands.

"Real funny, dumbshit. I live in the North Pole." - Me... Right before I crack him one in the nose.

Oh man! It was hilarious! Blood was pouring from the guys face! Well... It was hilarious until the mall security guard came and apprehended us both... Wait... The guard did come... But that was after the guy pulled out a knife...


... And after I did something a toddler would do to me... Oh crap. Let's never speak of this again.

Peace Out, Diary.

Tim "Santa Claus" Allen

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