Ray Mears - My Fake Diary

Saturday, 23 February 2008

I negotiated several goats and chickens and odd-looking submariners - one had a hook and a false eye and bore a similarity to Abu Hamza, which gave me a clue as to where I actually was.

I was on board the only Al Queda underwater operations station in the world. The masked man led me to the Captain's quarters where I met none other than Osa bin Laden.

In broken English he explained that the 'Mericans thought he was in a cave in Afghanistan.

He told me;

"One of my Mates bought this little baby, four years ago from the Baltic sea port of Minsk. It was advertised on ebay and I got if for a snip at $1,000. We loaded it up with provisions undercover of darkness and have been hiding under the ice ever since.

I am planning my next move from here.

It's dark, dank and hollow - it looks like a cave, it smells like a cave and best of all it sounds like a cave -the only difference is that it's mobile."

Bin Laden offered me some food