Osama bin Laden - My Fake Diary

Friday, 17 October 2008

7.00 Woke up today

8.00 Will be off to Mecca later today. This will mean extra prayer so as to obtain a full-house, as bingo in the Kurdistan Mecca can be a very fraught affair. All those fat women breaking wind. It was the worst thing they did, ban smoking, drinking and suicide bombing there.

8.30 A quick breakfast. Mrs Bin Laden, and she was last night, take it from me, laiden, phooooar, geddit? ("laid...en", com on, keep up you infidels) - er, she brought me her kitchen special - a bomb surprise - which I always tell her is in very poor taste.

10.00 Off to RupeeStretcher in town to buy some cheap prayer mats. Have to watch every Rupee know you know, since the banks collapsed. They are one group of buildings my demolition company Al Queida Deconstruction hasn't been blamed for.

12.00 Rabbi Lionel Blue popped in. He's one of my favourite TV clerics you know. I love the way he comes into the cave and says "Hello Osama. Hello Mrs Osama. Hello Master Osama. Hello Miss Osamam. Hello Sue. Hello John and Hello Listeners." We chatted about the price of fish, petrol and whether we could weather the weather to put the sheets out on the line. Such a nice man.

14.00 Had to pick up the new bales of straw for the cave. Glad I took the 4x4 camels, although I do wish some of the Nomads would take care and not park theirs in either the disabled or bomb disposal technicians' reserved spaces. One of these days I'll feed their camels laxatives. Then we'll see them run. Or fit through the eye of a needle.

16.00 Time for afternoon tea. Lionel has headed off home again. A really nice man. Said his usual good-byes - "Good Bye Osama, Good Bye Mrs Osama, Goos Bye Sue. Good Bye John and Good Bye Listeners.

18.00 Have to broadcast some bile and venom for Al Jazeera. I'd really rather present an edition of Jackanory, Blue Peter or Have I Got News for You. In fact, I'm hoping to be a guest presenter next year. That should go down a bomb!

20.00 A quick round of prayer. With all the coming and going I forgot to. Then off to Mecca for that round of Bingo.

23.00 Won a stuffed teddy bear at Bingo. Time for bed. I don't sleep well in the cave at night. The echo and shadows are really spooky you know.