Jeremy Beadle - My Fake Diary

Friday, 12 December 2003

I'm making the gunge already! Even though I haven't been given the go-ahead yet I thought I'd start early!

I'm using a dustbin in the back garden to mix the filthy brew. A broom handle to stir. I dress up as a sexy witch in black underware and bat shaped nipple tassles. It's so funny!!!

The kids love it too. The kiddies that live next door look out their bedroom window at me in the evening.

I keep flashing my moon cheeks at them, they love that!

Anyway, I've been working on a new gunge 'Beadle's napalm'. Obviously it's not real napalm that wouldnt be funny. But it will sting!

It's got chillies, pee, salt, lemon juice and a bit of watered down car battery acid.

That'll make my guests sting, but it'll be hilarious.

I accidently splashed some gunge onto my love length when flashing the kids. Boy did it hurt!!!!

I went to the hospital and told them how I did it. Welll I made up what happened cos they'd never believe me otherwise.

I said I was cooking in the kitchen when I knocked a bowl of salsa onto the floor, as I bent down to pick it up my trousers got caught on the oven door and then I slipped. My trousers and pants were ripped off on the oven and when I fell to the ground my private part was submerged in spilled salsa.

I think they believed me but I heared one saying "filthy old perv" behind my back. Whats filthy about a kitchen accident? Nothing. If it's that dirty then why don't they come and clean my house for me?

They can take their uniforms off obviously. Dont want em getting dirty.