Jeremy Beadle - My Fake Diary

Saturday, 20 September 2008

8.00 Well, I may have passed away to that great frame in the sky, but I still have to attend this week's Labour Party Conference

8.30 Washed and preened my angel wings and checked with St Peter if there was any post for me

9.00 Having breakfast with George Burns, Frank Sinatra and Harold Wilson at the 'Heaven can weight cafe' on Dead Princess Street. Last time we went, four horsemen were arrested for being apocalyptic in public. What a scene!

10.30 Must go and wash my whites at the laundrette. Getting a bit fed up that everything I wear is white.

11.30 A meeting with St Peter about some Candid Camera footage he wasn't very pleased with. Wants my advice.

1.00 Time for lunch. Find food nowadays goes right through me.

2.30 Visiting George Harrison on Cloud Nine, which he named after his 1987 record.When he gets his mind set on something, he doesn't give up.

4.30 Afternoon tea at the Mount Vesuvius residents' debate. I have been asked as a guest speaker. I believe Nero is also speaking, but he always seems to be playing that bloody fiddle of his. We will be debating how long Meat Loaf plans to allow for "Heaven can wait".

7.00 Must get into my whites for dinner. That nice Denis Thatcher is coming over to crack open a few bottles and to have a laugh.

10.00 After a long day, must go and get ready for bed. Have to be up early in the morning.

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