Gordon Brown - My Fake Diary

Friday, 12 June 2009

5.00 Up bright and early to start a wonderful new day.

6.00 Down to BetSaidFred to be first in the queue to wager on who is going to resign from the government today. Must remember to get a receipt so I can claim the bet back.

6.05 No one told me the bookies don't open until nine. I'll flog that Mandelson chap when I see him.

7.00 A short breakfast and now I'm off to put my new cabinet together.

7.15 Tipped the pieces out on the floor and of course there's bits missing. I'll have to assemble my new IKEA cabinet later.

8.00 Off to meet the late Harold Wilson to try and get some new ideas as to how I can hang on to government for a while longer. I'm finding that prime minister's question time is getting harder and harder as my Tory opposition man Ted Heath gains more confidence. At least I think that's his name. I only know him as my honourable member. Glad his name isn't Dick, as that's a really funny name for an honourable member.

8.15 Lord Alan Sugar has been on the phone. He just said, "Gordon. You seem worn out. You have no new ideas. You're tired." Or something like that.

9.00 Gosh, been up and working for four hours now.

9.15 My press secretary has arrived, what's his name. Or is it a woman. Anyway, I'm chuffed to bits. I've made all the newspapers again, with a nice photograph. They've even mentioned a line from my favourite song of the seventies by Jilted John, or Graham Fellows or John Shuttleworth "Gordon is a Moron".

10.00 Some woman called Nicola Sarcastic from France is dropping by today. I've never heard of her. I wonder what she wants. Probably someone to rescue Fiat or Chevrolet or whatever that French car company is called. I'll give her a piece of my mind and say we've already got British Leyland to rescue ourselves.

12.00 Waited in for an hour for Mrs Sarcastic but no show, so I'm off to Woolworths to buy some paper clips for my office.

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