David Beckham - My Fake Diary

Friday, 5 December 2008

6.07 Up bright an' early coz I'm gettin' me new book today. An' Victoria is also buying me a new set of crayons for it. Great!

6.15 Healthy breakfast as I look at the tatoo mail order catalogue. Have a specialist comin' over at 9.00 who can amputate me arm, send it in for the tattoo an' then when it comes back sew it on again.

7.00 Victoria is off to buy the kids some things. Middle one Stanna Stairlift starts school next month, and youngest one Backseet Fourbyfour also needs new boots. I think I have three kids. I'll get my calculator out later to check

8.00 Bit of footy practice. Must keep my 'and in. On second thoughts that was Maradonna who kept 'is 'and in. I'll keep me feet in instead. Yeah.

9.00 Surgeon 'as arrived to do me amputation. I'm 'avin' a tattoo of Jeremy Clarkson done on me arm peck. When I flex me arm, he pulls his jeans up proper like

11.00 Bloody 'ard to change Singapore Toilet's (me youngest child) nappy without me arm. Hopefully it will be back by the weekend.

1.00 Off with Victoria for lunch to that new up-market place in Malibu. It's run by some famous Colonel or other and I believe the chicken is great. Finger lickin' good by all accounts, although I only have to lick 5 fingers. Well four and me thumb that is.

3.00 Phone call from Sir Alex Fergusun. Wiv 'is Scottish accent an' always chewin' gum, I can't half not make out what 'e is sayin' like. Summit about footy I should imagine. I nodded enthusiastically so 'e could hear that I was listenin' to 'im.

5.00 Cooking tea for the family. Bloody hard to make pancakes and to cook 'em wiv only one arm.

8.00 Bed early as I 'ave to be up in the morning early like.