David Beckham - My Fake Diary

Sunday, 9 November 2008

Today I travelled round to my mate Gary Neville's. I went round in order to see if his feet implants had taken and had indeed been successful. It turned out they had and his feet were now a rather delightful child's size 5. He had also gone for some breast implants whilst at the hospital (good old Gary eh?) taking him to an impressive 36JJ.

I took him to a car repair centre to celebrate. The workers there took one look at Gary's small feet and large boobs and proceeded to take it in turns putting a medium sized vehicle part up his anus. Julian the resident homosexual used his own "tool" to "go to work" on Gary.

I felt bad for my best friend and so I decided we should go swimming. It was really the only thing we could do as he could not walk properly and was still expelling exhaust fumes from his newly expanded rectum. On arriving at the pool, four small girls beat Gary senseless because of his little toes.

We decided to get out of the country but Gary had no money left because of the twenty grand he blew on the surgery. Instead I stood on Gary's enlarged chest and paddled us across the channel.

Once in France I took Gary to the Champs-Elysees under the premise of taking him high end bikini shopping. When we got there I punched him fourteen times in the hair for giving me such a bumpy ride on the sea. I bought him a very revealing two piece anyway.

We met up with my French mate - Sebastian the crocodile. He took us for a pint and Gary literally got off his tits on continental happiness. He made a move on Seb but Frenchy was one step ahead of him and bit both his elbows clean off.

Overall, I'd say a mixed day for Gary but just another day in the life of me - David Beckham!