Colonel Muammar Gaddafi - My Fake Diary

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Trampoline,

16th March, 2011.

Dearest President Bush,

Many thanks for the dates you sent me via the Columbian Embassy. I gave them to my pet monkey and he survived so no poison there. You can learn so much from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

I had a great call from one of my lookalikes called Mustapha. As you know he is on Malta with my duplicate second wife-or maybe it's the real one. I will have to ask her. He was sleeping in the compound when all of a sudden he was woken up with a gun pointed at his head. He was sure he was going to die-and who would blame him after all I was alleged to have done over the past four decades. 'Am I going to die?' he asked. 'No, 'came the response. 'We are rescuing you.' So all the calls to Tony Blair as well as the oil for terminal cancer deal must have paid off.

It's a good job that Saddam gave all his WMD to us, otherwise we would have looked stupid back in 2003 and may have even been invaded instead of Iraq because no one would have believed us if we said we had no WMD.I remember Saddam phoning up one night pleading for his WMD back,' but we gave them to the British' (or the Syrians, I forget who),was my response or something to that effect. 'Why not ask the Israelis for some WMD?'' Because they gave them to the Iranians after you invaded them came my response.'' And the North Koreans?' ' But they exploded them all.' 'And the Russians?'' Decommissioning as part of START, ditto the Americans.' At that point -like the 12 year old child that all dictators are at heart-at that point, Saddam got pretty angry and his last words to me were, 'We are not playing pass the parcel with my WMDs!' 'Damn right,' I said. 'They may contain bombs inside.'

The chopper ride across the desert was great but Mustapha still thought he would be killed at the end of the trip. He was worried that some guy in the Pentagon would be watching it on satellite and saying, 'yep I think that's a kill' before finishing his double Latte and then going back to Facebook aquarium. Just like in Patriot Games. The hotel he is staying is not bad but he now wishes he was rescued by one of the British frigates off the coast because he likes boats a lot and he normally does the boat trips because I get sea sick. Of course he can't use the company credit card for fear of being arrested and so he makes do with a single room instead of the Presidential tent that he has become used to. I of course use my Sax Bankster credit card with its nine hundred billion dollar credit line that was agreed to by the American government.

I was wondering about the movie Downfall. We were all watching it and then we came to the bit where Dr Goebbels murders his kids. It was so Abraham, so Masada, and I wondered if I would have the strength to do that. I looked at my eldest son-another Dr Googleburg- and instead of glancing away he stared right back and smiled. My daughter did the same and likewise the other six kids, even the dumb one with the genuine Bachelor degree as opposed to the other seven who either googled or wikied theres. Then my eldest suggested we sing and so we sang Kum Bye Ah My Lord and By the Rivers of Babylon. After Run Like Hell we all called it a night.

That evening I went around the compound in order to give my kids their goodnight kisses and I was shocked to find all their doors bolted shut from the outside and the inside. And when I asked them to open their doors they all opined that I was going to kill them.' But I am your father,' I said. 'Downfall was just a movie.'' Tell that to Helmut and Helga and Hedwig,' they replied.' But I thought Hedwig was in Harry Potter,' said the dumb one.' Don't be paranoid,' I said to them all. 'But you told us to be paranoid,' they all replied. 'And how do we know it's you Dad instead of one of your lookalikes?' 'How do I know that I am talking to my sons instead of their duplicates,' I retorted. In the end Hugo kissed them all good night and then gave me a three minute kiss which he explained as some kind of executive summary after spending the best part of the night with Anisha or whatever my daughter's name is.

A while later I called Kim Jong Il-the real one who now works at Tescos-and asked him about it. And he said when that happened to him he just killed his Dad for fear of being killed by his Dad. It will be recalled that Kim Il Soong had just met Billy Graham and the younger Kim did not want to be murdered by a Christian. So now I am wondering about my kids and no doubt they are wondering about their dads and I am annoyed with you for giving all of us some ideas. When you next send me a movie can you send The Little House On The Prairie or Mary Poppins? It would be safer for everyone and we all will be able to sleep at night. Hugo really hates guns especially after Uzi, Qusay and Hearsay Insein stayed with him several years ago. Knowing those idiots they all killed themselves after falling out over a bottle of beer.

I tried to order a pizza last night and it's always the same when you black out the telephone lines in Tripoli and try and call the pizzeria off Fifth Avenue in New York. It's like two call centres five centuries apart and with speech impediments and AHDD to boot both trying to communicate with each other from one side of the universe to the next. Anyway, I ordered the Italian special minus olives and salami but including yak cheese and goat entrails. It's my favourite and we use the entrails to predict the future just like the Romans. I tried and tried to make myself understood but it was no good. So I lost it and said, 'You are working for Al Qaeda and the English Defence League and the Independent and the neo Nazis and Yasmin Alibi Brown and the Haganah and the B'hais. Give me a damn pizza!' I didn't think anything about it until Douglas shouted the very same words-minus the damn pizza and Alibi Brown( of course)- from the compound in Tripoli and which were subsequently broadcast around the world thus making me look like a complete idiot. It's so out of context and so I am trying to put the record straight.

The same goes for the killing in Red Square. Do you remember when John Travolta blew that guy away in Pulp Fiction? He was in the front brandishing a gun at the other guy in the back when suddenly the car goes over a speed bump and the guy in the back gets his head blown off when the gun is fired by accident. Well, it was the same in Tripoli. The soldiers were pointing their guns at the crowds when all of a sudden there was an earthquake and the guns went off. And I got the blame for an act of God-not Allah of course, because he doesn't do God.

I have to go now. Douglas-my stand-in on a rainy day- is on the line and wants some advice on how to get out of the mess that is Tripoli-although Trampoline would be a better name for my capital city. Later on I will try and play Rome Total War. If it's as good as you say it is then I should be pleasantly occupied for days. What are the cheat codes?

Your great fiend,
Muhummvee Omargod Guddayfi