Colonel Muammar Gaddafi - My Fake Diary

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Trampoline,
17th March, 2011.

Dearest President Bush,

I am tempted to address my diary to Kitty just like Ann Frank but I am a dictator and I could be killed for having a friend called Kitty. So bad for the image. So, Bush it is and I hope he doesnt mind me addressing my thoughts to him.

Many thanks for your invitation to the axis of evil summit which you so kindly agreed to chair. However, Crawford will be far too small.I know that you invited three leaders but they all have lookalikes, their guards have lookalikes, their wives and their kids have their lookalikes and the numbers attending will be closer to three hundred.

With Saddam Insein gone, Kim seriously Ill, and that Ahmadinnerjacket guy busy building bombs in Teheran, I am wondering who the other guests will be. Just how big was the original list and was Simon Cowl one of the judges? Was there a second Axis of Evil? And if so would it be more accurate to refer to a Pentagon of Evil? And will the sequel be better than the original? I could tell you about a summit held several years ago but first I have a few questions about Rome: Total War.

I took your advice. Whenever I conquered new territory I massacred all the inhabitants. You were right about the Parthians and the Gauls. If you occupy or enslave them they rebel all the time. And the Carthaginians were equally annoying. Their fleets kept sinking my invasion fleets and I had to march all the way to Antioch and Tarsus just to hire some war elephants. So I just got sick of everyone and conducted multiple wars of annihilation.

As Caligula said, 'let them hate as long as they fear us'-although I do take your point that when they no longer fear us then we fellow dictators are in serious trouble. So much hate as that guy said at the end of Return of the King before taking a swan dive into a sea of orcs.

I ignored all the senate missions and had to suffer the occasional suicide of one of my family members in Rome every five years or so. And the popularity with the plebs went up the more people I killed and the more territories I conquered. So Fox, so Beck, so your Presidency, don't you think? As you predicted, when you conquer 27 territories your plebian rating goes up to 80% and then the senate sends you a message basically asking you to commit suicide or else be declared an outlaw state. I am playing the Brutii and I am not sure whether to allow my faction leader to kill himself or not. I am sick of being an outlaw state and so I am playing the good guys for once and if all goes horribly wrong then I can reload the civilwariscool saved game file. Did you have the same problem when dealing with your Senate when you were President? Did they send messages like that?

I love Total War.I can be lost in my own little world for hours just like you said. I am the right man in the right tent at the wrong time. I just wish I lived two thousand years ago when being despotic was culturally acceptable and empire building a necessity and when nobody had to worry about the stupid UN and the hypocritical Security Council and the prissy Hague and Geneva conventions and when we only had to worry about the Romans with their eagle flags and their praetorian guards.

It was just so American back then. Just imagine two millennia bookended by two megalomaniac states with more or less the same governmental structures and the same flags. Don't you think that the twentieth first century is the worst time to be a dictator-It's like being a dinosaur after the asteroid hit or being Jesus after Mohammed was born or being a cigarrette in Singapore.

Your good fiend,

Muhumvee Guddayfi