Barack Obama - My Fake Diary

Friday, 10 April 2009

Well, it's been over three months as President, and I still haven't done anything. Except go on holiday in Europe. How we used to laugh at George doing that, and dang it if I ain't doing that after only a few minutes in office! I'm even starting to talk like him. The visit to England was fun, they actually knew who I am and were friendly enough to me and Michelle, except you never know with those limeys what they really think, they're so calm and polite with everybody! For all I know they secretly think I'm just another dumb Yank, who knows nothing about anything except baseball and skin color. As if. Then over to France, no politeness there! Maybe it's because France has its own nuclear arsenal and isn't part of NATO, maybe it's because it has its own giant movie industry that's a hundred times better than ours, maybe it's because the French actually fought two World Wars rather than avoided them, and conquered Europe for a while a hundred years earlier. I don't know, but they sure look down on us Americans. OK, like the Brits they never say anything, but the silent chill I got was enough to make me wish I was somewhere a bit warmer, so off we went to Turkey. Like all Americans - I mean Afro-Hawiio-Whiteo-Irisho-Illinoio-Americans - I thought Turkey was full of Ali Babas selling carpets and hubba bubba pipes and camels, and cutting people's hands off for stealing, and not allowing alcohol, as of course Hollywood and cartoons is what educates Americans about the world. So imagine my surprise when they told me Turkey ruled the Middle East, North Africa and Eastern Europe for hundreds of years! And that Turkey has strict secular laws against any religion, especially Islam, having any say in how the country is run, and that alcohol is as available as in America, and that it's a democracy with Western laws. But before I could even say 'Prohibition' or 'Bible Belt', or even 'segregation', I realised I had to say something to please the intolerant, anti-drinking, fundamentalist, racist millions in the USA, trying to make out that America is somehow tolerant while countries like Turkey aren't. So I had a brain wave - well, Michelle did. She said 'Why not hint that Islam is somehow intolerant and evil, but that Americans aren't trying to stop that intolerance and evil right now, and say 'America is not at war with Islam'! I.e. it should be, but isn't! That'll please the redneck morons back home, might even fool the moronic liberal types too, thinking I'm praising Islam. And like everything you say it doesn't mean anything!' 'Honey', I said to her, 'now I know why I married you!' Next stop's gonna be Moscow, and I ain't looking forward to that too much, them Russkies is kinda scary. Maybe it's something to do with the cold, or something to do with losing 20 million dead in World War 2 before a single American had landed in Europe, or maybe it's just that Russians have had a country for a thousand years and despise colonials flying around the world acting like they rule it, when those colonials can't even rule themselves.The Russian ambassador, Vladimir Smirnoff, spoke to me last week, and he said how can you take a country seriously that allows children to buy machine guns and massacre anyone they want to? And I replied that it's because of the glorious Constitution of the United St - but he just looked at me like I was a kid myself, and laughed and left the room. This overseas tour sure has dented my ego, I'm used to being treated like I'm important back home. Man, in London they actually had to pay some black parents to make their children act like they were excited to meet me! Anyone who knows the British knows nobody, not even a child, would bat an eyelid if all four living Presidents walked into their living room, it'd be 'nice weather today, isn't it? Fancy a cup of tea?'. Just shows you Americans watching TV news will believe anything, they must think the Brits are awestruck by me, when the only things that strikes awe into them are the soccer scores and how gullible Americans are. Still, I'll be off to Africa soon for more dumb photo opportunities to send home - nobody in Africa cares about race any more than in Britain, but with the right voiceover American networks can make out that I'm getting a huge welcome because of my African heritage, when they'd give the same welcome to Gordon Brown or Fidel Castro, or even to Donald Duck. I'm starting to think I AM a cartoon character, my impressive and intelligent act during my campaigning has descended into a farce of ignorant sound bites in anywhere but the USA, soon I'll just be making quacking noises and running round in circles. Lucky I have the 'visiting the troops' card to play, Americans being the only people in the world still living in the 1700s and are still proud of soldiers, soldiers that are no different from anyone else's. Oh, well, best sign off, got some Schopenhauer to read and Beethoven to listen to, before inventing the entire modern world from Washington DC when I get back home. That'll show the British and the French who's really important! Bye ...