Angus D Teen - My Fake Diary

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Day 1.

I woke up today after a particularly heavy night injecting pig fat into my eyebrows to give myself that 'bushy' look. Vogue rang to ask whether I had decided on the magazine shoot in Cranleigh. I asked whether pigs had been delivered to my dressing room. A good ride on a pig before a shoot helps my bones settle down. Sarah, that wh*re from Vogue, said that they couldn't find a sufficiently thin pig. I decided against the shoot; who the hell wants raised shoulders because the pig is too thin to make your bones sink down???

Spent the night talking to Johnny Depp about inhaling fox gas.

Day 2.

Depp rang. God! He's so boring!! He says that to get a fox filled with enough gas that me and him get off our faces would take a fox the size of a small horse. I asked him whether a horse would do but he just ended up doing the usual....locking himself in a fit of incessant wheezing. I decided to rent a horse for the week.

James called. I didn't answer. Too high on horse gas.

Day 3

Success!!!! Finally woke up in the right house. For the last six weeks I've woken up in a number of places, none of which I know. Last week it was Fat Steve's. I like staying with Steve, but none of his chairs have any legs and the shaved horse lounge is to much to bare. He invited me to look at his webcam of a child locked in a spasm, but I declined on personal pyscho-sexual reasons.

Spent the night re-creating the 1976 San Fransisco earthquake from a Jewish perspective.

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